heirlift: (pic#11163702)
John Egbert ([personal profile] heirlift) wrote in [community profile] kingdomcomes2017-04-13 09:13 am


Who: John and you
When: April 13th
Where: ye olde generic yet well-patronized tavern
What: John turns 20... again. He gets treated to a penis cake. Come wish him a happy birthday and have some cake.
Warnings: none, other than phallic pastries.

At the end of the day, John is pretty used to Weird Time Shenanigans. So to be transported back in time by barely a week before his birthday doesn't really set him off course that much. A little disorienting, sure, but nothing he can't handle. It certainly helps him get settled a little, and being who he is, it doesn't take him long to get along with his coworkers. There's some pranking back and forth, a little japery, and despite his general discomforts, it all feels... pretty okay. Ish.

Okay-ish except for the part where he lets slip that his birthday is coming up again and he jokingly wonders if that makes him technically 21 since, from his perspective, it hasn't been anywhere close to a year since he last celebrated his birthday.

It doesn't really seem to matter, because some of the other guards sharing an off-shift with him take it into their own hands to drag him into town and down to the tavern, where he repeatedly denies their offers of cheap booze, and tries his best to at least seem like he's having a good time. Because it seems like they are, at least, and it's pretty nice of them to throw him a birthday party when they barely know him. Some part of him can even appreciate the birthday boy crown made out of old parchment. And even when they bring out the crudely-but-lovingly made penis-shaped cake (why though) he tries to appreciate it, though a part of him is waiting for the other shoe to drop. His prankster's gambit can only take so many hits before it's totally depleted...

"You guys really didn't have to..."

Oh, but they did. And there's just enough to go around not only for the birthday boy and his guests, but everyone else in the tavern, too.
shenunigans: (pic#8012117)

[personal profile] shenunigans 2017-04-14 01:30 pm (UTC)(link)
If word got around that John's birthday was on the horizon, the source would absolutely have been Dave. He spread that shit like wildfire, as soon as he realised what the dates had turned to. If he's good at anything, it's keeping track of time. He'll set up a goddamn sundial if he needs to, but that's not the point here.

The point is that, of anyone, Dave is really the happiest to have John here. He's been split up from him for a long time. The four years they spent in the new universe, broing it up, definitely didn't make up for that. Plus, Dave can't stand to be alone at the best of times, so one day in isolation in this place had been enough to find renewed appreciation for his best friend.

Just not enough to get him a genuinely nice gift this year. Money is tight.

Dave sets the ornate,painted-glass, tentacle-shaped dildo down in front of John. It's a relic from his hard work at Heedsworth's Fucktiques and really the only thing he could realistically purchase for John in these trying times, but it's the thought that counts.

"The more you say that, the more I want to swaddle you up in a blanket and walk you around this tavern cooing like you're some freshly born miracle baby." Dave gives John's shoulder a push, wedging his way onto the seat next to him. Very close, but totally platonic, which is the only way to be when you buy your friend a dildo for their birthday. At least it's not the only thing he got, since he has a pitcher of mead (he thinks) in his other hand and two empty, wooden mugs under his arm. He sets it all down very precisely, pouring mead into their mugs.

"I know drinking is lame and totally the opposite of a good time, but it kind of feels inappropriate for a red-blooded American boy to celebrate his fake, 21st birthday without a couple of cold ones. Only this is actually mead, since I asked the bartender for something that didn't taste like fragrant garbage and he told me that a nancy boy like me would probably drink this girly shit." He says it so matter-of factly, but his brows twitch in annoyance all the same.
Edited 2017-04-14 13:31 (UTC)
shenunigans: (10)

[personal profile] shenunigans 2017-04-18 03:55 pm (UTC)(link)
"What happens in the new universe, stays in the universe." He says, vaguely, which is exactly what John should expect. It's true, he and Karkat had gotten pretty close, but what he has and has not done with Karkat can definitely stay back home with him.

"You're probably going to have to find the key for that padlocked little mind of yours, Egbert. You have your inhibitions all sealed up like a Mattel GirlTech password journal." He'll bridge the gap between friendly acquaintances and best goddamn friends by reaching out and giving John's noggin a soft rap with his knuckles.

"But I mean, you probably signed up for perpetual discomfort when you put on the corset." He shrugs, and he cups his hands around his drink. "This isn't a cold one at all, it's fucking warm- and.." He raises it for a sniff too, crinkling his nose. "Yeah, it smell like something Grandma thought was a good idea. But I wasted my slave wages on this trash juice so we can either muscle up and drink it or try to trade it in for some milk and cookies."

He's still going to stare down at it for a long ass time before he looks at John again. "Birthday boy honors." Which means, don't watch me choke on this trash.
shenunigans: (pic#8070491)

[personal profile] shenunigans 2017-04-25 04:09 pm (UTC)(link)
"It's not pee. It's fermented bee jizz." He says, as if that redeems the quality of John's birthday by a considerable amount. He does feel kind of bad. Partly because he's all partied out and partly because any kind of merriment here seems to involve things that platonic friends don't generally enjoy together.

The best Dave can hope for is that, somehow, this one, single drink will make tonight fun beyond belief. Not that John really seemed to be enjoying the last couple of birthdays he had back home, anyway. Dave doesn't blame him. Things are heavy, they'll never be totally normal and now they're in another weird place and who knows how bad this will go.

But it's John's birthday, and Dave wants him to forget how garbage everything is for a little bit. If that means drinking bee jizz after watching (in horror) as John has a face journey, then he'll just have to do it.

Not to be out done, Dave needs to force himself to chug this whole thing At first, it's sweet and the taste of honey comes through, then as he swallows it, there's a weird kick that makes him scrunch his face up despite his best efforts to look normal. He licks his lips.

"This place isn't exactly rife with fake declarations of independence." He quirks a brow at John. "I guess we could get crafty. If I had more time I could have paper mached a Nic Cage head for you to get frisky with."
shenunigans: (pic#10343600)

[personal profile] shenunigans 2017-05-02 12:38 pm (UTC)(link)
"You don't need to be all honorable. It's okay to want someone to put in the hours for a fine gift for you."

John is right, he would absolutely do it. Being told no is of little consequence in this scenario, too. If anything, it's just gasoline flicked onto the ol' shit fire.

Dave raises his brows when John suggests leaving so soon, but he doesn't question it. He had noticed that John had been enjoying birthdays less and less in later years. He mostly figured that birthdays were getting kind of same-ish. There was a lot of them, after all. It's a lot of cake and shit to deal with on a near monthly basis.

Not to mention, it's sort of symbolic of how weirdly peaceful life had become. That they could just sit around blowing out candles and dressing up. It makes you restless.

So, he doesn't argue, he takes John's prompt and he stands up. "I think they'll be disappointed when they realise you didn't eat a dick." He points out, but he's not wild on taking a slice either. Instead, he makes sure to grab that glass dildo with gusto. "Hey, don't forget this." Now he's going to press it against John's cheek.
shenunigans: (pic#10343597)

[personal profile] shenunigans 2017-05-06 01:46 pm (UTC)(link)
The smug look on Dave's face is indication enough that he got the exact reaction he was hoping for out of John. It lasts a little while, then fades into an obscure, blank look when John fidgets with his shorts.

He's not thinking he's seeing John in a new light, but he's barely even caught a glance of John in less than his normal clothing. It's conflicting to think that he doesn't look bad in what he's wearing, but that Dave doesn't exactly want to see him in it.

Whatever. He shoots him a thumbs up when he stows away his precious dildo and follows John with his hands stuffed in his pockets. He's making his normie clothing last as long as he can, but he's already counting his pennies for some sort of Cool Guy vest and pants combo.

"There's a forest that's pretty cool. Full of the kind of obscure shit you'd see if Tim Burton were a 6 year old girl and also a fetish artist." It's gothy, pastel and full of genital shaped things, alright? "Or we can hike around the village and hassle the drunks like we're a couple of cool, young people who blend right in."
shenunigans: (pic#10343570)

[personal profile] shenunigans 2017-05-20 12:50 pm (UTC)(link)
"Sounds like we're the handsome, white leads in a horror movie."

Not that it's stopping him from leading the way, at John's prompting. He's seen some weird shit in that forest, but a surprising lack of Axe Murderers. It's actually kind of peaceful, and not just because he's rolled in things that made him high out of his mind. Truly this is a beautiful place.

He leads them through the lengths of the village, which is filled with people enjoying the nightlife. Dave doesn't particularly want to partake in it either, so he's glad to head right into the beginnings of the forest.

"Do you come out this way much? Seems like you have it pretty cushy up in the castle." He seems relatively at ease with the forest, which is lit both by the moon and an eerie glow from fireflies and strange plants.
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[personal profile] shenunigans 2017-05-28 12:25 pm (UTC)(link)
There is something familiar about the unnaturalness of it all, even if it's comfortably unlike Dave's planet. He's glad for the lack of heat and fire, really.

"You're doing the right thing, to be honest. I've gotten myself ass-backward lost in this place enough, and I'm here all the time doing shit for cash." It's much easier to send some broke loser to run around and chase mushrooms than it is to do it yourself, of course.

He kindly omits the amount of time he's spent here just rubbing one out.

"There's a pretty cool pond up ahead, if you're into that. There's also a rock Matthew Mcconaughey, in terms of both appearance and acting range." He's only really glanced at it, never getting the chance to get too close or hang around it. He remembers where it is, because there's a trail of ever-increasing pink flowers that smell amazing. Dave jerks his head in the general direction of it, then starts to walk that way anyway.

If John follows, Dave will lead them to a pond, hedged in by a vast growth of fragrant, pink flowers. There is indeed a rock, whether it resembles any actor is hard to say, but Dave will sit on it.
shenunigans: (pic#10343624)

[personal profile] shenunigans 2017-05-29 10:14 am (UTC)(link)
It is a good make out place. It's also a great place for some private time. Surprisingly, not many people seem to venture here, which makes Dave really glad that John can see it too. You wander into enough psychedelic bushes, you start to question reality a little.

"You go out into the forest, you find a cool rock for your friend and this is the appreciation you get." Dave says with a grunt as he digs himself down onto the rock to stop himself from falling off the rock. He takes a moment to absorb the sights and the sounds and the smells of the forest.

In a way that would totally be weird any other time, Dave feels comfortable enough to rest his cheek on John's shoulder. The flowers smell nice, he smells nice, Dave feels warm and comfortable and it's probably because of all the booze he drank.

"Sorry this birthday sucks, dude."
shenunigans: (35)

[personal profile] shenunigans 2017-06-11 04:58 pm (UTC)(link)
Warmth is starting to bubble rapidly in Dave, only temporarily paused by the part of his brain that feels genuine concern for his own comfort. Urges push past reason and he allows himself to indulge in the feeling.

It's not just a result of flowers, but they certainly magnify things he's been feeling. Loneliness, attraction, mild sexual frustration- living in a sex paradise as a sexless, awkward virgin coming to terms with your sexuality leads to an array of pent up sensations. He's fought off feelings like this for John before. Quietly. Without even realising it himself, for the most part. First came being threatened and disgusted by his own sexuality, then came acknowledging that John would never swing that way. Not for Dave, not for anyone.

Which is fine, really. Dicks and friendship didn't mix, and Karkat was much more open to experimenting with feelings.

But now they're here, together, in sex paradise and Dave is starting to feel things he buried down in a box years ago. John is cute, John makes him feel good, John is built and the little deviant in Dave wants to feel something other than a hug or a shoulder shove. When John doesn't shy away from closeness and touches him back, he needs to restrain the urge to move in for a kiss. If anything, the fear of rejection is the most powerful weapon he has against whatever happens to be happening inside him.

"Yeah." He says, tone uneasy and the slightest bit strained. "I don't think I appreciated a dense population while I had the chance. I thought I was so cool and edgy with my teen misanthropy phase but I kind of like, I dunno. People. Being around people. Different people, too. The meteor fucked me up and I had, what- five? Five-ish people. Must have sucked with three." He says with a shrug against John. "The universe is great and all, but it's no Earth. Earth was really going somewhere, I think. The internet was taking us wild new places, music was getting worse, they started making those superhero movies and I never got to see where they went with it. Hoo boy. I'd do anything for a computer and some WiFi around here."

He's just rambling for the sake of it now.
shenunigans: (Wowzers)

[personal profile] shenunigans 2017-06-19 11:28 am (UTC)(link)
Eventually, the sensation of John's thumb rubbing over his knee is enough to bring his rambling to a less organic stop. He had words on the tip of his tongue, ready to sass John out for not really paying attention, but they fade into his thoughts and pretty much disintegrate. Dave breathes in deep, trying to clear his mind with fresh air and filling his nostrils with the goddamn flowery smell. His mind is now pretty much 100% fixated on John, the shape of his jaw, the way his hand feels on him, the way his neck is so close to Dave's lips he can taste it.

Actually, he may very well be tasting in. In his idleness, he's managed to press his lips against his nice, soft, neck nook (trolls have all but ruined that term, and yet..). Despite being aware of it, Dave is reluctant to draw his lips away. If anything, they just travel upward, so he can catch the lobe of John's ear in his teeth to give it a quick nibble.

He sees practically nothing wrong with this, so much so that his hand dips to rub circles over John's thigh, much less innocuous than a hand on the knee.

For once, Dave actually can't find a damn thing to say. There's still a sentient, non-John-obsessed part of him that is absolutely terrified of garnering a disgusted, disinterested reaction from John.
Edited 2017-06-19 11:29 (UTC)
frenzies: (c o n f i d e n t)

[personal profile] frenzies 2017-04-15 11:08 pm (UTC)(link)
The tavern that John's cohorts have dragged him to happens to also be Alisha's new job, where she'd been hired on as a barmaid-slash-tavern wench, on the condition that she wear the ridiculously low-cut shift/corset combo that counts as a uniform around here. It's ridiculous but honestly, Alisha can't blame them. Her tits look good.

She's wiping down glasses when the rather rowdy crew of merrymakers comes in, and knowing the castle guards' tastes by now, Alisha immediately begins pouring pints of ale for them. She watches in amusement as the birthday boy is presented with a classic penis cake, and comes around the other side of the bar to hand around pints. She reaches him last and gives him a grin.

"Happy birthday. You've got nice coworkers."
frenzies: (c h a t t y)

[personal profile] frenzies 2017-04-20 04:38 am (UTC)(link)
She's expecting the lingering gaze on her cleavage—it comes with the territory—but it doesn't stop her from smirking when he finally wrenches his eyes away from her tits and up to her face. Alisha takes the last tankard of ale from her tray and sets it down in front of him.

The crashing of the chair draws her attention, but only briefly.

"I'm pretty sure their lot will take any chance to get completely fucked up, no offense." Alisha makes a point of taking in John's uniform. "Guessing you're new around here, too?"
frenzies: (c h a t t y)

[personal profile] frenzies 2017-04-30 04:00 am (UTC)(link)
Alisha shrugs. "Yeah, a bit, but only 'cause I did too. It's pretty easy to pick out the new people among the locals, since most of us have all our teeth and can speak proper English."

She nudges the tankard a little closer to him. "Go on, then. Your mates are payin', might as well drink up." As far as she knows or cares, he's over 18, which is the drinking age where she comes from. Beyond that, she doesn't give a fuck whether or not he's actually 21 yet.
frenzies: (c o n f u s e d)

[personal profile] frenzies 2017-05-02 05:55 pm (UTC)(link)
Alisha laughs, but then her eyes narrow and she gives him a mock-glare.

"You accusin' me of slippin' you a mickey?"

She gestures at his mug. "That's fucked up. Drink it, it's fine. Or don't, I could care less either way."
frenzies: (s a r c a s t i c)

[personal profile] frenzies 2017-05-05 04:58 pm (UTC)(link)
"Right." She rolls her eyes. "I get it. I was just messin' with you." Alisha watches John knock back the beer with the smile slowly returning to her face, and breaks into a laugh when he gives his verdict.

"Yeah, no, don't worry, the beer here tastes like piss. Seems like they haven't invented a way to make it taste decent yet. I always stick to vodka tonics anyway, gets you drunk quicker and it doesn't taste like you're drinkin' ball sweat."
frenzies: (a m b i v a l e n t)

[personal profile] frenzies 2017-05-10 02:17 pm (UTC)(link)
"You and me must have had a completely different teenage experience," Alisha observes dryly. She's pretty sure there was a point where her body was more vodka than water. Still, she can tell that all of this is pretty new for this guy, so she takes pity on him and gives him a grin, holding out her hand to shake.

"I'm Alisha." To his question, she can only offer a shrug. "Didn't want to work for Queen Bitch up there, so I decided to stick it out on my own. I used to be a barmaid back home, so...this was the easiest thing for it. How d'you like being a guard? Doesn't it sort of...suck?"
frenzies: (c h a t t y)

[personal profile] frenzies 2017-05-26 05:42 pm (UTC)(link)
She raises both her eyebrows, looking very skeptical.

"Not where I come from. British royalty are all boring old fucks who faff about in Buckingham Palace all day and watch polo tournaments and eat scones all day."