A Little Winter Atmosphere

[loveskulls]

[Winter arrives slower than usual, thanks to the Snow Queen's mid-year horny spell giving her a bit more time before her libido kicked back in. But now she is returning to the fullness of need. And that's where winter comes from.]

[This time, the Kingdom is better prepared to engage in the usual yearly orgasm denial of a goddess. Winter clothes are easier to come by, and every public hearth has some hot something-or-other simmering away. There's a coziness and comfort as farmers retire for the winter, and herds provided all the oats and meal they need, but that doesn't stop them from rooting through the snow for withering crispy treats.]

[Not that Guards are allowed to actually wear clothes or take full advantage of that cozy warmth, heavens no. Not everything is about sex even under the Mistress' reign. Sometimes, it is about Control. She figures everyone should suffer some nipple chafing and shrinkage as a character building exercise, so they get to have some extra shifts outside.]

[The native guards will take to using the snow to prank the Apprentices in as many ways as they can dream up: anything from convoluted plans to hide extremely fresh soft snow in your entire wardrobe, to the more direct approach of "one gets you in a lock while the other dumps snow down the back of your clothes." The off-worlder guards are encouraged to join in the bullying, at least in passing. They won't actually be targeted with snow, though. Call it a token of respect, perhaps.]

[Hey Outliers, having fun out there in the snow being poor? Haha, suckers. But hey, maybe you can make some money running errands, or performing services out in the cold? Or even... "services." At least you probably won't freeze to death. The townsfolk will generally keep an eye on you, unless you're an unpleasant jerk. Then have fun being dead, nerd.]

Comments

[meteorman]

[Yeah, a bit. Jeez.]

Would you believe I've never actually been there? This will be the first time.

[Which, thinking about it and about how long he's been living here, is pretty damn impressive.]

We'll see how it compares to other dungeons I've been thrown into.

[shieldofrohan]

[She gives him a scathing look as they head for the stairs.]

And it did not strike you to try another approach, after the first few?

[meteorman]

Many of my arrests have been for breaking laws I wasn't even aware of. Did you know that in some worlds it is punishable by law to wear clothes or exist in excess of two dimensions? My clothes I can remove, but I can hardly change my relative position on the space-time axis. Not without a lot of work, anyway.

[You know. Just a normal conversation to have while being arrested.]

[shieldofrohan]

Has anyone ever told you how little sense you make?

[Sorry, were you expecting her to be impressed? Because you should know by now, even from the couple of times you've actually talked in person, that she's not the kind of person to be impressed by not understanding things.]

[meteorman]

... Many people, actually.

[More here than usual, but that's to be expected with how hard this world leans into soft fantasy. Not a lot of multidimensional paradigm theory study here, he has a hunch.]

That's also something I've been arrested for.

So. What is the procedure here. I spend the night and get let out in the morning, appropriately-cowed?

[shieldofrohan]

What?

[Ai. Well, she shouldn't be surprised, really. Knowing the quality of discipline around here, it's not a ridiculous conclusion. They don't seem to have much between "torture the prisoner to death" and "let them go with a slap on the wrist".]

No. You will wait until I complete my rounds and have time to deal with you, and I shall ascertain whether you mean harm to any here, and if it seems you do, then here you shall remain, under guard.

I am not in the habit of posturing.

[meteorman]

[Oh. Hm.

See, Ford is pretty sure that whether he actually intends to be a threat or not, he poses enough of a potential threat to get himself locked up permanently. And that, for a lot of reasons, just won't do. He'll have to organize a whole breakout, and it'll just be a huge debacle, and he doesn't want to have to deal with it.

He folds his hands thoughtfully behind his back as they walk, taking stock of the route they follow. You know. Just in case.]

I suppose just telling you up front that I don't have any intention of mounting any sort of attack on the Mistress or her castle won't work?

[shieldofrohan]

[Éowyn raises her eyebrows, shaking her head.]

Perhaps, if I were a fool. Rarely does the snake declare its intent to bite.

Besides, the Mistress' life is not the only thing of value in this castle, nor an attack the only harm men may seek.

[meteorman]

I'm not a thief. I make a perfectly honest living selling hand-crafted pornography.

[Which is a perfectly legitimate career choice in this world so get off his damn back.]

In fact, that journal has the notes on the next installment of my zine, should you care to confirm.

[shieldofrohan]

[She sighs, looking exasperated.]

Forgive me, I had forgotten that a man may only do one thing in all his life. [The only kind of humour she does most of the time: sarcasm!]

And surely there cannot be so much of a market for... that, in a place so saturated by such things. A man would not wax fat on such work. His eye might wander to more tempting wares.

If you have done no wrong, and intend none, then I will offer true apologies. But I count my reasons for suspicion solid enough.

[And that's totally why she's arresting you. It has nothing to do with being cold and bored and desperately in need of something to make her feel useful. Nope.]

[meteorman]

[There's a joke to make in there about tempting wares vis a vis her dinky little thong, but he restrains himself. That's a little lowbrow. If he's going to be making sex jokes he'd like to think they'll be marginally more clever.]

I probably won't have enough to pay any sort of bail, I'll admit to that.

[Yeah, he makes decent money providing pornography that's a little more niche than just 'big old tits and ludicrously fat dicks' but it's not a lot. He still does live in a shack and all.]

Unless you allow me to make up the difference some other way.

[shieldofrohan]

[If the look she gave him was any flatter, it would be legal in that dimension he mentioned earlier.]

For a man protesting his innocence, you seem terribly sure of the need for it. Do you not trust my judgement?

[meteorman]

It isn't that I don't trust your judgement, it's that I would like to avoid spending an indeterminate amount of time incarcerated if possible. Skipping straight to paying my way out seems like the obvious solution and the least hassle for everyone involved.

[The flatness of her expression doesn't seem to bother him. Unstoppable force, immovable object and all that.]

I have about seven of those little tablets that make you hear colors, but if it comes right down to it sex as payment is preferable. I wanted to save those.

[shieldofrohan]

Ah. Then you think me corrupt as well as foolish.

[Sorry, Ford. This would totally have worked with a native guard, for what it's worth?]

[Unfortunately, she's got a peskily overdeveloped sense of duty and honour. Also, she's a prude. Offering to buy your way out - with money or anything else - only makes her less willing to trust you.]

No. I shall take this-- [She holds up his notebook, still loosely-gripped in her other hand] --to those with better knowledge of the land's laws than I, and see what is to be done. But it will not be by bribery.

[meteorman]

Are you certain? I have a very open mind and I'm good at taking orders.

[Now that's some A+ flirting. A very good sexual resumé, in his opinion.]

And it might help to warm you -- ah. [His expression changes radically when she holds up his journal.]

If at all possible I would very much like to get that back. That's months of work you're holding.

[shieldofrohan]

I am no thief.

[They are at the dungeons now. She pushes him, not roughly but certainly firmly, into one of the cells, and looks at him critically.]

I shall fetch you a blanket before I go. It can be cold down here.

[meteorman]

Thank you.

[He takes stock of the cell. Not bad, compared to some cells? A lot less high-tech than he's used to, which is a plus because it means if breaking out is what he has to do then there's probably going to be lots of options.

It'll be booby-trapped with spells, he's sure, but spells are just as easy to get around as alien laser-beams if you know what you're doing and keep a cool head. He'll just use the time she's gone to get a good idea of what he's working with.

She will probably return to him delicately rapping his knuckles against every individual stone in this cell just on the off chance someone before him left a secret compartment. It's more common than you think!]

[shieldofrohan]

[She's not really paying attention to what he's doing when she comes back, in fairness. She's carrying a blanket over one arm, and his journal in that hand, and her expression could curdle milk.]

[Tossing the blanket down, she sets the book down on top of it and crosses over to the cell, sighing in exasperation.]

I have been told...

[Another sigh. She's not actually rolling her eyes, but somehow the essence of eye-rolling still pervades the air around her. She rakes her hand back through her hair, curling her lip.]

Apparently, I am to take you up on your bail offer. [Because apparently, the Mistress is even less reasonable than she thought.]

[meteorman]

[He's honestly not surprised. This is exactly the kind of place where that would be the go-to solution. That sour expression isn't promising, but he is determined to give this the old college try. It wouldn't be the first time he's seduced his way out of something.]

Well! I guess the question then becomes what you'd consider a reasonable payment.

[It won't be a very good bribe if she doesn't enjoy it, right? It'd be like trying to pay a monetary bail with bottlecaps.]

[shieldofrohan]

For myself? I should accept only the truth, and just cause to release thee.

But as I am not my own master here...

[Damn, what's a reasonable answer? How does one even quantify sex? Especially when the truth is that she's willing to let him go anyway - if the Mistress isn't going to take this remotely seriously, there doesn't seem much point in holding him here.]

[But her orders were pretty explicit on the having-sex-with-him front. Also, not to put too fine a point on it, it's cold as balls outside and the longer this lasts, the longer she can be on duty without falling on the ice all the time.]

[She unlocks the cell door, closing it behind her as she steps inside.]

Let us say... Bring me off twice, and we shall call it even. [Well, she might as well get something out of this embarrassing mess, anyway.]

[meteorman]

[Look, he could have made some offers, but it's kind of on the warden to set bail. Though he's a little surprised and pleased to be given a number but not a specific act, mainly because with how this place worked he assumed it would be specific and probably stupid.]

Twice I can do. You might even enjoy it. [Y'know. If you get that stick out of your ass. Not that he'd judge anyone for wanting to have anything inserted up their ass, considering, but there are nicer choices.]

Though I have to ask if there's anything you don't like. I'm not looking to get stabbed for crossing a line I'm not aware of.

[This isn't haggling, this is just checking to make sure he's paying in the right currency. The money metaphor is going to keep going until I can't figure out how to stretch it further.]

[shieldofrohan]

[That gives her some pause, actually. Is there anything she knows she doesn't like? For being here so long, she has surprisingly little experience, most of it vanilla.]

[For a moment, her uncertainty probably shows quite clearly, before she clears her throat and gets hold of herself.]

If I mind, you will know long ere that point. Believe me, I may not have intended this exactly, but I mean you no harm and will do you none.

We ought, perhaps, to... [She trails off, going rather pink, but the fact that she means "...undress" is probably clear from the way she's fiddling with the clasp of her cloak.]

[meteorman]

Oh, probably. I can't imagine that uniform's comfortable.

[It's a lot easier to find pants and shirts that are serviceable, and he's even managed to expand his collection of sweaters, though traveling light through the multiverse means his wardrobe is never going to get too extensive.]

Here. Let me.

[Her clothes being off is the important thing here, really. They can worry about his in due time. He steps forward and his hands rise to hers briefly, before he takes the clasp of her cloak and undoes it with a lot less fiddling and lot more intent.]

[shieldofrohan]

[There's a moment of uncertainty, because on the one hand, she barely knows him and is less than comfortable with having things done for her. On the other hand, at least someone has a sense of intent. It makes it a little (a very little) less awkward.]

[She clears her throat, and shrugs the cloak off, turning her own attention to getting his coat and sweater off. It doesn't feel particularly fair for him to be wearing this much more than her, after all.]

[Also, if she's being brutally honest with herself, she's kind of curious to know what he looks like underneath.]

'Tis not remotely comfortable, no.

You may have to get the bodice. It fastens at the side.

[meteorman]

[The coat flumps to the ground with a lot more weight than a coat probably should have, but that's Ford's fault for keeping half of his worldly possessions inside it in various pockets and compartments. He pays it no mind. He wouldn't put things in there if they were easily damaged, especially by a short fall to the floor.

His sweater goes easy too and then he's left in just his white undershirt. It's difficult to tell when he's fully-clothed, mainly because he likes it that way, but much of the space on his neck, shoulders and arms is taken up by tattoos. He got one while drunk in space and then just sort of kept doing it. Some are better than others, but some are also thirty years old. He's been working on getting all the truly terrible ones covered up, since his niece and nephew reminded him that was a thing he could do instead of just wallowing in his Past Regrets^TM.

Unfortunately, HEY NOW I'M AN ALL-STAR is never going anywhere. In certain universes that particular symbol can get you in a lot of doors, stupid as it looks, so he's stuck with it.

Where there aren't tattoos there are scars (and there are even more scars under some tattoos, if you squint). He's had a lot of time to collect them in his many years on this and other earths. So basically the answer to her unspoken query is: Very Interesting. More fit than a man of seventy has any right to be, too, but that's come from hard work.]

You would think the elite defense force protecting the most powerful woman in this part of the world would be better-equipped for actual fighting.

[Like. All you have to do is aim for the legs or the stomach. It's ludicrous. Still, now that his arms are free of their sleeves, he starts working at the fastenings on her bodice. He's undone more complicated closures than this, this is fine.]

Though I guess a lot of the fighting here is also sexual in nature. If you didn't agree to the bail idea I was going to challenge you to some variety of sexy single combat.