kingdomcomes | INTRO LOG ☆ WELCOME TO THE KINGDOM

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INTRO LOG ☆ WELCOME TO THE KINGDOM

☆DAY ONE | THE GRAND ENTRANCE☆

When you awaken after a nice, long, deep sleep (facilitated by some herbs burning in the fireplace, perhaps) you have made your choice. When you exit your room, you’ll see a signpost in the middle of the corridor that you didn’t notice before. There are three signs, all pointing in different directions, with the words “Apprentices”,”Guards” and “Etc” on their own sign.

Potential Apprentices will head towards the very hall they entered just last night. The Mistress isn’t here this time. In her place there is a table and a long, open scroll of parchment with the words “APPRENTICE CONTRACT” written at the very top and a small, near indiscernible paragraph of what looks to be legal jargon under it. The only other obviously readable words say “SIGN HERE”. A quill and ink lies next to the parchment for this very purpose. Whether you linger to read the entire thing before you sign or simply sign, it doesn’t matter. If you get cold feet, you can leave. If you sign, a soldier will push yet another tome into your hands.

The tome contains a short, congratulatory spiel about the honor of being an Apprentice and proceeds to go into great detail about duties that sound an awful lot like castle maintenance. There’s talk of polishing knobs, sweeping corridors, wiping windows and mopping up after orgies but very little is said about magic.

It advises you to check the notice boards in the library at least once a month to accomplish tasks and earn coins. In the back of the book is a map that marks the important locations within the castle (including the location of your lovely, new room) and a sparse map of the kingdom. Think scribbles with “forest goes here” scrawled over the top.

Potential guards head into the courtyard, where a table is set up and surrounded by a small group of current guards. The table has a banner pinned to it that reads “GUARD SIGN-UPS” and upon approaching the table, you will be asked to beat one of the current guards in hand to hand combat. When that has been accomplished, they will ask about your previous experience with protective services, your experience with weapons and offer you the job. If you fail, you’ll be turned away (you also run the risk of being laughed out of the courtyard without a chance to prove yourself).

Upon signing up, a guard will take you on a tour of the castle, walking you through the barracks, the halls, the corridors and a few of the short cuts. You will be given a map, a weapon and taken to a nurse to unlock one of your powers (if you have one). Of course, you are warned of the consequences of misusing any of these privileges. Death, torture and a life spent in a prison cell are distinct possibilities.

They urge you to check the notice boards frequently for odd jobs to complete for extra spending money and shadow you while you try on your shiny, new uniform and tour the castle. You’ll be shadowed for about a week on duty before the guards get bored and let you do your own thing.

Finally, the et cetera. The last lot. You take your pride, your clothes and whatever you can fit in your pockets and you march with purpose (probably) toward your designated route. Maybe you’re angry, maybe you’re expecting a fight, maybe you’re getting fired up and ready to fight off anyone who tries to stop you.

You’ll be disappointed.

The corridor leads you to a very normal looking door that just...opens. Amazing. You step out of the castle and into the mud. It was raining, after all. There’s a guard there, waiting to escort you into the village. It’s about a ten minute trudge through the mud, and they lead you past beautiful towers, decent cottages and toward some worn down, empty shacks. One of these lovely hovels is yours to keep, and there’s even a little bit of food there for you.

You won’t get told anything about jobs or notice boards by the guard. Once they’ve dropped you off, that’s all the guard is obligated to do.

Snooping around the village will find you a notice board with jobs posted on it and information about some sort of tri-weekly market is readily available. If you want a job you’ll have to canvas, just like the good old days. The good news is that despite Mistress’ tyranny, the economy is pretty good. Many taverns, inns, apothecaries and brothels are hiring.

☆DAY TWO | THE FESTIVAL OF THE FOOL☆
The Off-Worlders have arrived at an opportune time, this month. People in the village might notice a hustle and bustle around them. Poles are mounted, banners are raised, euphemisms are crafted and everyone seems to be getting ready for something.

You don’t need to ask what it is, at first, because the banners indicate that it it’s April Fools. A little late in the month for it, you might think, but the occasion is celebrated for almost an entire month in this little Kingdom. After all, the Mistress does dearly love an opportunity to unleash malicious humor.

Thankfully, the festivities here are far from malicious. There’s food, drink, music and dancing all around town. Everyone is dressed in bright, colourful clothing and costumes and the Off-Worlders are encouraged to dance and celebrate alongside them. Cream pies, enchanted hand buzzers, the ol’ switcharoo with various possessions and other fairly lame pranks are standard.

Apprentices, guards and even outlier scum are encouraged to participate freely in the festival. It will be a week long binge of FUN.

-Food stalls provide free drinks of all flavours (some of which providing new sensations or strange tingles), cakes and baked goods (some of which are provided by the Fuck Bakery: Cakes that Make you Want to Fuck). It’s hard to differentiate the enhanced food from the regular food, but Off-Worlders will soon figure out that many people have a penchant for aphrodisiacs, enhancers and drugs in their food.

-Hookah pipes with many flavours to partake in, within silk tents amongst silk pillows for getting reeealllll comfortable. The warm, fruity scents are alluring and can have aphrodisiac-like effects if inhaled for long enough. They also lower the inhibitions and calm the mind, making everyone in the tent more open to suggestion.

-Jelly wrestling for prizes (of which you are free to take liberties) and shoulder wrestling for prizes (of which you are also free to take liberties) along with other familiar carnival games with erotic twists. Bobbing for candy dicks, pin the bikini on the nude girl, cock rodeos and extremely violent games of whack-a-mole.

-The brothels are in full force. Girls in ridiculous, skimpy costumes (think octopus, jesters or plague doctors) are outside selling their wares, they’re just too tempting to resist.

-Most exciting of all is the Fun Worm, who makes his way through the whole festival. He looks like six or so villagers under a really shitty costume, but it doesn’t seem to bother anyone. On closer inspection, you will be lured in by the fun pheromones and powerless to resist them. Inhaling fun pheromones forces a big, cheesy grin on your face. Suddenly, fun is the objective and your inhibitions are severely lowered for an hour or so. He’s constantly cycling around the festival, so it’s hard to avoid him. What’s important to note is that the Fun Worm is a new addition, a gift from the travelling Fun Cult to enhance the festivities. The Fun Cult has brought fun and laughter to kingdoms far and wide, although those kingdoms became a lot less prosperous when their priorities shifted from trade and farming to jello shots and week long benders.

The festivities continue even through nightfall (lanterns will be lit, some of which float through the sky of their own accord, bonfires with incredible scents will be lit too) and will do so for the rest of the week.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Day One

Well, Kaph tried to read the contract, but now he's three lines into this paragraph and he figures he's got the gist of it. It's not like all the legal mumbo-jumbo really matters to him; he's never let the law tie him down and he's not going to start now. His signature is just a formality - or, more accurately, just a tiny little step on his way to regaining his former glory.

Then he gets the book. Then he opens it. Then he squints harder and harder at the seemingly endless list of menial tasks that await him.

"You know, this kind of strikes me as complete bullshit! Anyone hear what I'm saying? Anybody?"

It's not entirely clear whether he's trying to complain at the nearby soldiers or just grab the attention of whoever happens to be walking by.

Day Two

The next day, it looks like Kaph has decided to start the festivities by yelling at the owner of a candy dick stall.

"Sorry, what?" In fact, he's leaning so close to the poor man that it kind of looks like the only reason he hasn't grabbed him by the collar and started shaking him down yet is because his hands are firmly planted on the counter. "Who the hell do you think I am? How dare you suggest even for a second that I'd put my mouth on one of those things?! You think I look like that kinda guy, huh? Well, let me tell you, pal, your business is going down! You aren't getting a single customer! Look--"

Suddenly, he turns to the nearest passerby. If they're male, he'll pull them in with no warning and say, "Hey, you! Can you believe this guy? He thinks he can make dudes humiliate themselves just for a cheap-ass trinket!"

If they're female, he'll hesitate... but then he'll glance at the stall's owner and say, "I bet even a chick wouldn't do it unless she wanted to look like a slut."

"While not precisely the language I would have used to describe it... yes. Yes, it does."

There's someone else here glowering down at his handbook, an uptight-looking British guy who's clearly none too pleased with the apparent realities of their new position.

"I was under the impression we were here to learn magic, not provide some sort of maid service - and what's this about cleaning up after orgies?!"

The book's not clear on whether they'll be expected to attend the orgies as well, but Valmont can worry about that possibility later. He's offended enough as it is.

Kaph can barely keep himself from rolling his eyes the moment he hears the guy talk. He knows a fop when he sees one, and boy, has he just seen one.

Despite that, the look on his face when he replies is a sufficiently-polite smirk. He's not going to risk making enemies when he's still just trying to get his bearings here.

"You figure all they wanted was to take advantage of us all along? Make slaves out of us?" The smirk sours as he considers the possibility - it could be the case, and he doesn't very much like the idea of being taken for a sucker - but after a moment, he renews it with confidence. "Well, I know for a fact there's got to be magic here somewhere, and I'm telling you, I'll find it sooner or later!"

Preoccupied as he is with the sheer Unfairness of his predicament, Valmont doesn't pick up on his new colleague's initial reaction, which is a good thing for everyone, really. He's still flipping back and forth through the handbook infuriately, as though the words might eventually rearrange themselves into something more to his liking.

"I would not for one second put it past them."

It's a bit of a strong accusation - after all, he doesn't know much about his new employers except that they've given him room, board, and a job, all of which ought to be points in their favor. But he's seen enough powerful magical beings go back on their word to be a little suspicious.

"Oh, I'm certain there's plenty of magic here for the taking. Whoever brought us here must have learned it from somewhere, mustn't they?"

The glint that springs into his eye at this moment is moderately worrying.

"And if they won't teach us, I say we learn it ourselves."

Buddy.

Kaph catches that glint, and in that moment, he feels like he might just have a kindred soul in here... which sounds like fun on one hand and like trouble on the other hand. Note to self: stay on this guy's good side for now. The pros are sure to outweigh the cons.

"You know, I was just thinking the same thing! But I've gotta say, as for how to go about it... I'll have to give it some thought. This kind of thing usually comes naturally to me, see?"

Man, it's going to be annoying if he has to put in actual work to relearn how to do stuff he could just do back home.

Oh good, someone else in here's got the right priorities. The more people he can find looking to circumvent the system with him, the more likely they'll actually figure out what they're doing, and, ideally, the less dirty Valmont's own hands will have to get. This is the sort of thing he'd had henchmen for back home, after all. But, new-forged unholy alliance aside, it's what Kaphlar says next that really catches his attention.

"...Naturally?"

I'm sorry, did he just.

"Are you implying that you have some sort of... innate magical powers?"

Valmont's seen humans do magic, but he's always been under the impression that it's the sort of thing that takes years of study - sort of like what they're supposed to be doing here, but with less shagging. Natural magic. Some people have all the luck.

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oh my god that icon

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