kingdomcomes | INTRO LOG ☆ WELCOME TO THE KINGDOM

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INTRO LOG ☆ WELCOME TO THE KINGDOM

☆DAY ONE | THE GRAND ENTRANCE☆

When you awaken after a nice, long, deep sleep (facilitated by some herbs burning in the fireplace, perhaps) you have made your choice. When you exit your room, you’ll see a signpost in the middle of the corridor that you didn’t notice before. There are three signs, all pointing in different directions, with the words “Apprentices”,”Guards” and “Etc” on their own sign.

Potential Apprentices will head towards the very hall they entered just last night. The Mistress isn’t here this time. In her place there is a table and a long, open scroll of parchment with the words “APPRENTICE CONTRACT” written at the very top and a small, near indiscernible paragraph of what looks to be legal jargon under it. The only other obviously readable words say “SIGN HERE”. A quill and ink lies next to the parchment for this very purpose. Whether you linger to read the entire thing before you sign or simply sign, it doesn’t matter. If you get cold feet, you can leave. If you sign, a soldier will push yet another tome into your hands.

The tome contains a short, congratulatory spiel about the honor of being an Apprentice and proceeds to go into great detail about duties that sound an awful lot like castle maintenance. There’s talk of polishing knobs, sweeping corridors, wiping windows and mopping up after orgies but very little is said about magic.

It advises you to check the notice boards in the library at least once a month to accomplish tasks and earn coins. In the back of the book is a map that marks the important locations within the castle (including the location of your lovely, new room) and a sparse map of the kingdom. Think scribbles with “forest goes here” scrawled over the top.

Potential guards head into the courtyard, where a table is set up and surrounded by a small group of current guards. The table has a banner pinned to it that reads “GUARD SIGN-UPS” and upon approaching the table, you will be asked to beat one of the current guards in hand to hand combat. When that has been accomplished, they will ask about your previous experience with protective services, your experience with weapons and offer you the job. If you fail, you’ll be turned away (you also run the risk of being laughed out of the courtyard without a chance to prove yourself).

Upon signing up, a guard will take you on a tour of the castle, walking you through the barracks, the halls, the corridors and a few of the short cuts. You will be given a map, a weapon and taken to a nurse to unlock one of your powers (if you have one). Of course, you are warned of the consequences of misusing any of these privileges. Death, torture and a life spent in a prison cell are distinct possibilities.

They urge you to check the notice boards frequently for odd jobs to complete for extra spending money and shadow you while you try on your shiny, new uniform and tour the castle. You’ll be shadowed for about a week on duty before the guards get bored and let you do your own thing.

Finally, the et cetera. The last lot. You take your pride, your clothes and whatever you can fit in your pockets and you march with purpose (probably) toward your designated route. Maybe you’re angry, maybe you’re expecting a fight, maybe you’re getting fired up and ready to fight off anyone who tries to stop you.

You’ll be disappointed.

The corridor leads you to a very normal looking door that just...opens. Amazing. You step out of the castle and into the mud. It was raining, after all. There’s a guard there, waiting to escort you into the village. It’s about a ten minute trudge through the mud, and they lead you past beautiful towers, decent cottages and toward some worn down, empty shacks. One of these lovely hovels is yours to keep, and there’s even a little bit of food there for you.

You won’t get told anything about jobs or notice boards by the guard. Once they’ve dropped you off, that’s all the guard is obligated to do.

Snooping around the village will find you a notice board with jobs posted on it and information about some sort of tri-weekly market is readily available. If you want a job you’ll have to canvas, just like the good old days. The good news is that despite Mistress’ tyranny, the economy is pretty good. Many taverns, inns, apothecaries and brothels are hiring.

☆DAY TWO | THE FESTIVAL OF THE FOOL☆
The Off-Worlders have arrived at an opportune time, this month. People in the village might notice a hustle and bustle around them. Poles are mounted, banners are raised, euphemisms are crafted and everyone seems to be getting ready for something.

You don’t need to ask what it is, at first, because the banners indicate that it it’s April Fools. A little late in the month for it, you might think, but the occasion is celebrated for almost an entire month in this little Kingdom. After all, the Mistress does dearly love an opportunity to unleash malicious humor.

Thankfully, the festivities here are far from malicious. There’s food, drink, music and dancing all around town. Everyone is dressed in bright, colourful clothing and costumes and the Off-Worlders are encouraged to dance and celebrate alongside them. Cream pies, enchanted hand buzzers, the ol’ switcharoo with various possessions and other fairly lame pranks are standard.

Apprentices, guards and even outlier scum are encouraged to participate freely in the festival. It will be a week long binge of FUN.

-Food stalls provide free drinks of all flavours (some of which providing new sensations or strange tingles), cakes and baked goods (some of which are provided by the Fuck Bakery: Cakes that Make you Want to Fuck). It’s hard to differentiate the enhanced food from the regular food, but Off-Worlders will soon figure out that many people have a penchant for aphrodisiacs, enhancers and drugs in their food.

-Hookah pipes with many flavours to partake in, within silk tents amongst silk pillows for getting reeealllll comfortable. The warm, fruity scents are alluring and can have aphrodisiac-like effects if inhaled for long enough. They also lower the inhibitions and calm the mind, making everyone in the tent more open to suggestion.

-Jelly wrestling for prizes (of which you are free to take liberties) and shoulder wrestling for prizes (of which you are also free to take liberties) along with other familiar carnival games with erotic twists. Bobbing for candy dicks, pin the bikini on the nude girl, cock rodeos and extremely violent games of whack-a-mole.

-The brothels are in full force. Girls in ridiculous, skimpy costumes (think octopus, jesters or plague doctors) are outside selling their wares, they’re just too tempting to resist.

-Most exciting of all is the Fun Worm, who makes his way through the whole festival. He looks like six or so villagers under a really shitty costume, but it doesn’t seem to bother anyone. On closer inspection, you will be lured in by the fun pheromones and powerless to resist them. Inhaling fun pheromones forces a big, cheesy grin on your face. Suddenly, fun is the objective and your inhibitions are severely lowered for an hour or so. He’s constantly cycling around the festival, so it’s hard to avoid him. What’s important to note is that the Fun Worm is a new addition, a gift from the travelling Fun Cult to enhance the festivities. The Fun Cult has brought fun and laughter to kingdoms far and wide, although those kingdoms became a lot less prosperous when their priorities shifted from trade and farming to jello shots and week long benders.

The festivities continue even through nightfall (lanterns will be lit, some of which float through the sky of their own accord, bonfires with incredible scents will be lit too) and will do so for the rest of the week.

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[That was enough to make Angel cringe. Not the sight or memory of the doorknobs, but the reminder that it was now her job to polish them regularly. She didn't need to understand the innuendo to feel considerably uncomfortable with her new duty.]

[Still, there was one thing that stuck out to Angel about this woman and her seemingly endless (albeit mostly harmless) badgering. She doubted correcting the woman would do anything (the woman was almost like her father, in the sense that they enjoyed vaguely insulting nicknames), but at the very least, it would be minding her manners.]

It's Angel. Not dipstick.

[She spoke not with annoyance or frustration, but with a calm sort of voice. If her suspicion was correct, and she did share this particular trait with her father, then a rise was exactly what she wanted.]

[It was all about escalation with these types.]

I'm not sure what you mean by being honest with myself though.

[Because she's a shit, Ember takes that as an introduction.]

Ember.

[She calls everybody dipstick. It's nothing against Angel, even if it might seem like it's that way. Still, Ember takes the opportunity to quickly get her own introduction out of the way. Not her fault that she's a smartass.]

With this being a sex thing. Because it's pretty obviously that. I don't think this stupid place has the sort of boundaries you'd expect.

[Angel found herself glancing upward once more, taking in the billowing form of her hair. If Angel were the type, she might have pointed out just how on the nose the woman's name was. It was probably for the best, considering Angel's own name compared to her powers.]

Nice to meet you then, Ember. [Somehow, despite Ember's jabs and borderline taunting, the siren was left feeling guilty for neglecting her manners.]

I am... aware of what this looks like. And I am attempting to come around to it. [Not that her attempts were going all that well, seeing as how the cake was bringing far more distress than anything else.]

Doesn't look like you're doing a real good job with it.

[Ember raises her arm up to eye-level, glancing at her nails as she speaks, attempting to present herself with an air of disinterest.]

That's just one girl's humble opinion, of course.

[It's not an entirely wrong assessment.]

And what would you recommend?

[Maybe Angel was bad at reading situations, but it sounded like Ember was simply looking for a reason to interject her opinion. Why she was waiting, the siren didn't know. She'd done a decent enough job of inserting herself into the conversation so far.]

In your "humble opinion," that is.

[Better to get her conclusions out of the way, fast as possible.]

I can tell you that you shouldn't be sulking in a corner like some distraught lameo, babypop.

[Part of it is definitely pushing at Angel's buttons. The other part is that you can't really go out and say "go fucking masturbate jfc sexual frustration is weird". But, even so...]

You should probably be concerned with going back to your place and working this off.

[It was a valid suggestion, and one that Angel was seriously considering. If nothing else, her room would provide a break from both temptation and stimulation. Of the social variety, of course.]

[It felt like a waste of her newfound freedom, though.]

So... rather than sulking in a corner, I should sulk in my room. Am I understanding this correctly?

..."Working this off" was meant as a metaphor, babypop.

[does...angel not understand masturbation innuendos...]

[Not at first brush. But with Ember's nudging, realization quickly dawned on her. You didn't serve under or be raised by Handsome Jack without at least picking up on a little innuendo, after all.]

Ah -- I... suppose that would help resolve matters, wouldn't it?

[Don't mind her, Ember, she's just going to shrink back against the wall and... hope by some miracle that she might become one with it. Strange women offering her sex advice was... not what she signed up for at all.]

Always worked for me, babydoll.

[The embarrassment gets Ember to smirk, raising an eyebrow just a little bit at that reaction. She understood that this chick was just a bit nervous about this whole thing, but treating even the slightest sexual idea like a leper is...something.]

You seem pretty weird about the idea. Can't put my finger on why that would be.

[Angel wanted to pretend it was the cakes that sent a number of... illicit thoughts tumbling through her head, most of which centered around the woman before her. Or maybe it was just her taking the bait that the woman was offering. The good news was that if Ember had been amused before, she'd be downright enthralled by the display.]

Just -- never had the time to do so. It felt like people were always watching. [And there's that poor lying face again.]

[Figures as much. Ember already sees where this is going in her head, and she's very okay with it. That reply gets a chuckle out of Ember, and she decides to be a little more forward with Angel.]

So...what? You're telling me that you've never touched yourself, babypop?

[The bomb has been dropped.]

[Angel was quiet for what felt like a minute. Maybe it was longer -- it was hard to tell. The blood rushing to her face, pounding in her ears, had left her in a sort of daze, and it was hard to really make sense of her thoughts, let alone putting them into action.]

[Saying it aloud felt almost like taboo in this place. There was a part of her that wondered if, after telling the truth, that Fun Worm might march right over to her and gobble her straight up.]

[That's how things worked in the middle ages, right? They sacrificed the virgin to some god or another for their own gain.]

That is... correct.

[She looked left, then right, as if anticipating some sort of assault or expecting the castle guards to swoop in and drag her off for crimes against the sorceress.]

[Thankfully, that didn't seem to be the case.]

Well. I figured that much.

[Ember has to keep herself from letting out a chuckle. This girl's ignorance was almost sad in a way, yet, it was hard to keep herself from letting out the slightest little noise. It's a drastic change in lifestyle compared to her own, to be sure, but that was hardly why Ember was so enthralled in the humor of the situation.

It just seemed ironic that somebody could end up somewhere like...here with no experience. It's a little interesting, even.]

When you planning on starting?

[Humiliation seared through Angel's veins. She shifted slightly, aiming to walk away from the conversation, or at least feign like she was. Her attempts at dodging the question had been drastic failures.]

[And maybe, just maybe, Ember had put an idea in her head.]

Now, perhaps? So I really must be going.

[Ember shrugs. She's definitely into pushing Angel's buttons, if nothing else, and that's definitely happening right now. But, hey, if she's really gonna run off like that, then she's fine with what's been done here.]

Don't let me stop you, hon.

[That was certainly enough for Angel. Her shoulders all but sagged in relief, figuring that Ember would see fit not to follow. Angel certainly wouldn't have, if the roles were reversed.]

[She stopped just a few feet away, however, and turned back to face the woman. Despite the harassment, her father's voice stuck in her head. Be a good girl.]

It was... lovely to meet you.

[Thankfully, Ember has some sense of decency and social norms. Only some, however. She gives her a gently-mocking two-fingered salute as Angel walks off.]

Smell ya later, babypop.

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INTRO LOG ☆ WELCOME TO THE KINGDOM

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