i worked really hard to think up a pasta pun and couldn't figure one out i'm sorry

[meteorman]

Who: A very friendly tentacle monster and YOU!
What: A magical disaster that needs some very sexy cleanup. I'll be npcing the monster from Ford's account because I'm lazy, and there will be a top level for him below!
When: Now!
Where: The village.
Warnings: Again, I refer you to the 'who'. The tentacle monster is a reasonable writhing mass of appendages however, and it can tell the difference between a hard no and 'oh noooo there is a tentacle slithering up my leg whatever shall I dooooo'. No noncon here.

At about three in the afternoon a particular magic shop in the village explodes. The cloud of pink and purple smoke is visible from the other side of town, and even after it starts to fade it's clear that something is going on over there. From a distance it looks sort of like the buildings in that area are being grown over at an alarming rate by thick, purple vines. Maybe some wizard was watering his potted ivy and it got really out of hand?

Those who investigate will discover this is not remotely the case, because this is the world of Oglaf and why would it ever be the non-sexy option. As they get closer and closer to the epicenter, marked by the last remains of that cloud of smoke, they'll find what looked like vines from a distance are actually flesh and not plant matter. They're a warm purple color, pinker at the tips, and smooth and featureless. They curl through cobblestones and over (and through) buildings and they grow at a leisurely pace, slow but still visible if you watch for long enough.

That is until they come within a couple yards of a person. Then they change their growth from 'outward, on a nice stroll' to 'in that direction, and fast'. Bigger tentacles will join the scouts, and the whole mess will get pretty grabby. They can be convinced to let go easily (a firm 'no' or 'stop that' works pretty well, despite them not having any visible way to hear it) but they don't seem to be interested in anything too risqué... or at least not more risqué than some friendly groping. Instead they will mainly gently nudge their 'victim' in toward where they're coming from, which is the wreckage of what used to be a wizard's shop. The biggest tentacles of all are the ones here at the source, and many of these ones have features that are a little more recognizable. There's basically a bunch of dildos and fleshlights on the ends, and they're all a bright friendly pink and want to get to know you! That's their job, after all. As the very frazzled wizard will tell you (between batting away a tentacle attempting to give him what seems to be a reassuring pat on the shoulder), this was supposed to result in something much, uh, smaller. For personal use. He got some math wrong and now it won't go away until it's done its job, possibly to the whole town.

Wanna help?

Comments

[crimsonlight]

[The stern, battle-ready hardness in her face and posture explode away in laughter as the true nature of the monster is at last revealed. This is no deadly or dangerous monster to be unleashed upon the hapless townsfolk unless some ransom is paid. Just... a sexy mistake. Yenh waves her hand at the wizard, pondering if she shouldn't just let others take care of this problem. Not that she isn't normally happy to solve people's problems for them, but this was harmless (other than the hit to the property value), and she's had her fill of sex for a while thanks to getting infected with that virus that made her fuck pretty much everyone in sight.]

[But as she turns as though to leave, a creatively-shaped dildo tentacle catches her eye, and she stops to stare at it.]

I've never quite seen one like that. Did a half-made sculpture get caught up in this?

[meteorman]

It was supposed to appeal to the person who summoned it.

[Perhaps sensing that her next question might be 'so you're into some real weird shit then huh', the wizard quickly amends:]

It looks like it thinks its master is just about anyone who gets near it, so it's grown bits and bobs for everybody.

[There's definitely not a ton of weird and wonderfully-varied junk on the thing because Stanford Pines was literally in the building when it was created. Oh no. Though even without his input, given the state of this village it'd probably still look like this.]

ok god i'm so sorry for dying for [checks] two weeks

[crimsonlight]

[Yenh, meanwhile, thinks this implies her. Her face heats up and she tries to soothe it with the wind through a violent a shake of her head.]

Oh, that's not- [But despite her revulsion for this all-too-uncomfortably voidsent-like creature, she keeps looking at it. She shifts as she feels an extremely alarming stirring between her legs.] - that one isn't mine, I assure you.

i mean glass houses and all

[meteorman]

[The wizard gives her a very, very flat look.]

Ma'am, I don't judge. Couldn't be in this business if I did.

[The more you protest the less he's going to believe you aren't responsible for some of this weird junk, Yenh. The weird junk itself just keeps wiggling jovially around, apparently unaware that anybody is annoyed with its presence, or at least determined not to let that get it down.]

no one fucks in them?

[crimsonlight]

[She starts to open her mouth, but, no. Of course the very pansexual nature of this place also extends to... beastmen.]

[Out of pure curiosity, she reaches out toward the bizarre tentacle. Her movement is ginger, as though she expects it to catch fire suddenly.]

AND THEY SHOULD seriously stop cockblocking the rest of us

[meteorman]

[It doesn't. That would be very counter-intuitive! Instead it presses into her hand, warm and pleasant to the touch, a little slick but not slimy. It's kind of like how a cat might push its head forward to seek out being petted, except, you know. A magical pink and purple dong on the end of a tentacle, one of many, eager to be Helpful. A couple more, these ones featureless but sturdy, settle lightly on her shoulders like steadying hands. See? It's fine, it's friendly.]

What good is a glass house otherwise!!

[crimsonlight]

[ That twinge again. The kind of little sweet ache she usually gets from actual strong hands on her shoulders. That would be fine and all on its own, but she had already been wondering what sort of beastman it could belong to and how it might feel... so she can’t help but flood. ]

[ Part of her also shouts that this is a demon and she should defeat it— but by that same logic, the only way to help anyone without her combat prowess is to... hm. ]

[ A catlady peacefully contemplating being horny while surrounded by tentacles/dicks. ]

[meteorman]

[If that isn't an excellent description of a regular Tuesday in this world then it's a mystery what is.

The wizard looks between her, the tentacles, and sighs. His shop's already a mess. If this happens it happens and he'll just fucking deal with it. He's just gonna exit stage left before he gets hit by any of the splashback, thank you very much.

The tentacles, meanwhile, are getting some mixed signals. They can feel arousal, which is good because that's what they're supposed to produce. So everything is going according to plan, except that she seems a little reticent?

So clearly the solution is to present her with other options. In addition to the pointed, segmented one she's petting, a few others meander over. One is flared at the tip with noticeable ridges, while another is pointed and smooth with a pronounced knot a ways down the shaft. There are others, too, stranger and in all shapes, just about anything she might imagine. Surely one will be cool enough to overcome her uncertainty? It's already keyed in on the non-human shape being part of what's got her interested, though, so there aren't any 'normal' ones. It really is doing about as well as an overgrown fuckspell can.]

finally a good use for this icon

[meteorman]

[Ford is not, as one might be forgiven for suspecting, even partially responsible for this. He was however at ground zero for the explosion, having stopped in to purchase another set of duplication spells to use on the second volume of his zine. He's still covered in a faint coating of pink and purple glitter from the blast. It's going to take days before it's all out of his hair. His glasses, at least for now, are rose-tinted.

Frankly out of all the explosions he's been in or near in his lifetime this one is the most benign (the incredible staying power of glitter notwithstanding). And out of all the inhuman tentacled monstrosities he's had to deal with, this one is... not the most benign, no, but certainly the most forward.

Because he is Stanford Pines, he is trying to draw it. He could just write about it in his journal later and draw it then but that's weenie talk for weenies who don't want to try and draw a thing while friendly tentacles hold them upside-down and very painstakingly work to remove their coat.]

Careful! This is ink, I can't erase it.

[One of the smaller featureless tentacles waves as though to say sorry. A few more finish removing the coat and drop it -- right onto whoever happens to be standing below.]

[ignisvulpes]

[Welp, he figures it was only a matter of time until something like this happened, and by "something like this", he is of course referring to the very specific situation of a tentacle monster on the prowl.

Kaphlar is as much of a tentacle connoisseur as someone who has never actually seen a tentacle monster in real life can be. That is, he expects this thing to be looking for attractive young women to snatch up and... potentially breed? He's read some shit, but somehow, despite everything that's happened in the kingdom so far, he gets the impression things won't get all that graphic.

Wait, is graphic the right word? Maybe not. Maybe "fucked up" is more along the lines of what he's looking for.

Metaphorically speaking, that is. Because, literally speaking, he's hiding behind a barrel hoping to see one of those aforementioned attractive young women get fucked by a tentacle monster.

... Look, he misses the internet.]

[meteorman]

[Kaph is in luck! There are a number of attractive women that live in the village, and at least a few of them have decided it might be worth it to help out with today's stupid sexy magical problem. He might be a little disappointed that this is all very, uh. Nice? There's not a lot of screaming or crying or iyaaaah, not there! which may take him out of the experience a little if he's used to his tentacles coming from the hentai you can find for free on the internet. There are also a fair number of men helping about, but this is a big tentacle monster. There are patches of its many arms that are skewed one way or another, and this is one such patch he's positioned himself in front of. Score!

The tentacle monster, meanwhile, is not so discerning. In fact, Kaph might feel a gentle tap on his shoulder by something that's a little too big to be a finger.]

[ignisvulpes]

[Hey, it may not be what he's used to in the genre, but it's still pretty hot. Admitting to it may get him some shit in the online circles he tended to frequent, but he gets kind of a kick out of The Ladies enthusiastically consenting to having sex. With him, more specifically.

He's wondering what the kingdom's public masturbation laws are (there's already sort of a tent pitched in his robes) when he feels the tap. He looks at the tentacle and, for a millisecond, wonders if the monster can see the flustered, withdrawn look on his face.]

Uh, hey, pal, I'm not a girl. Go squeeze some tits over there.

surprise bitch

[meteorman]

[Well, it doesn't have eyes, so whether it can see anything is up for debate. Maybe it can sense Kaph's reluctance, or hear his tone (with what ears?) because the appendage pulls back almost apologetically and then slithers away.

A few seconds later it's replaced by another one, hopefully perky, with a flared end that looks almost but not entirely like a pair of lips. It can do whatever you like! It just wants to help!]

[ignisvulpes]

[Well, that works, cool-- Aw hell there's another one.

This one doesn't seem so... phallic, though? It's kind of intriguing, actually. Kaph squints analytically and just sort of... prods at the end with a thumb, poking the "lips".]

[meteorman]

[They part around Kaph's thumb, enveloping it into a slick, warm orifice that isn't precisely like a mouth but could probably do an okay job passing for one if you're Kaphlar Kinra and you're not picky. There's no tongue, just heat and texture and almost definitely some suggestive suction. At least it's bright pink, right, and pink is a girly color, so really there is nothing at all objectionable about this. It's Fine.]

[ignisvulpes]

[... Well, hey, this seems pretty nice. And considering the general situation on the streets right now, surely nobody would even notice or mind...]

Psst.

[He takes his finger out only to gently pat the tentacle closer to his crotch area. Nobody's looking, right??]

[meteorman]

[Nobody is, on account of they are all distracted by being tenderly but firmly rawed by a tentacle monster. It's fine, Kaph, no one can judge. No one is paying enough attention.

The tentacle eagerly slips lower, down beneath his robes and up again. More slip over, these ones featureless and sturdy, to curl against his calves and thighs in much the same way a pair of hands definitely wouldn't. Several more settle against his shoulders and chest to push him back against the side of the building he's kneeling by. Isn't that more comfortable? It totally is. The 'lips' drag up the inside of one thigh, but they're pretty eager to get to work (this is their job and all!) and don't waste too much time with it. So the question becomes: what, if anything, is he wearing under his robes?]

[ignisvulpes]

[It totally IS more comfortable. He's just gonna try and not think too hard about how this tentacle monster seems to be doing its best to ensure he has a good time and instead treat this as any old one-night-stand.

One-afternoon-stand.

With a tentacle monster.

Yeah!

As for what he's wearing, his possibilities sure became more limited ever since the Mistress seemingly decided he wasn't allowed to wear pants anymore. Just about the only thing he gets to wear below the waist is a pair of fashionable briefs matching his robes.

He hasn't considered trying booty shorts yet, but even if he did, he'd likely find a reason to believe this is the better option.]

[meteorman]

[Briefs, the monster can work with. It can't entirely tell if they're fashionable or not: the important thing is that they're a single layer of fabric, easy to mouth over and blow warm air through. It's an advanced model, it can even do a little bit of foreplay! But it knows what Kaph is here for and it isn't teaching, at least not right now. More tentacles curl into Kaph's briefs and pull them down around his thighs. Time to Inspect That Dick.]

[ignisvulpes]

[Very vaguely, somewhere in the back of his head - and motivated mostly by years of reading trashy 18+ comics - Kaph wonders how aware this monster is. Is it just going after body heat? Can it tell how weirdly aroused he feels right now?

Well, one way or another, it can probably tell now, because That Dick is quite clearly hard. He wraps a hand around it and takes a deep breath, unsure of how to proceed. Not that he's bashful or anything, goodness, no, he's just never done this with a tentacle monster before. Would it be bad form to just jam it in? Would the monster CARE?]