kingdomcomes | THE FUNWORM'S DOWNFALL

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THE FUNWORM'S DOWNFALL

It’s a cool, crisp night when the village effectively casts their chosen Off-worlders into the deep end. They have been picked for their strength (although, given that they’re untested, you could probably say the villagers picked based on who looks like they’d do a good job) and their skill.

The Off-Worlders set off into the outskirts of the draining, ongoing festivities and find the Fun Camp just in front of the forests. They’ve managed to establish a sturdy, little living space within the week. Anyone would think they’re planning to be here for a long time. The tents are surrounded by high fences, erected while everyone was getting drunk and smashing pissers.

There are two entrances to the camp, both guarded by stern looking monks. Your task is to approach them and take them on by your ideal means necessary.

[OOC: Starters posted below are open to the four characters chosen for each role! NPCs will be threading out each interaction. Please contact the mods if you have any questions!]

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Todrick the Fun Monk looks less than impressed. The night shifts are long, boring and largely uneventful. Everyone is pretty much completely fucked up by the Funworm and their own indulgence. He’s not really worried about fending off a bunch of drunkards, so don’t be too surprised when he folds his arms over his chest and raises a brow upon approach.

“Yeah, look. This is Monk property. We’re kind of particular about who treads on holy ground here, so feel free to fuck off.”

He shrugs, staring down the two contenders in front of him. They might look menacing, he’s not really concerned.

“Plus, we have a password.”

Really, John doesn't want to be violent, exactly. It's not really his jam to go out and just start hitting people over the head for no reason. But he feels like he has to do something if people are dying, and this is all he really knows how to do. He was hoping he could come and talk some sense into these monks, but it sounds like this one doesn't want to talk. He has his hand on Fear No Anvil's handle, all the same.

"So, what, if we guess the password, will you let us in?"

That's how it works, right?

Luckily, Todrick has an extremely punchable face. It's been that way as long as he can remember. Since he was a young boy, hitting other boys with sticks. Currently, his lips are pulled back in an ugly sneer.

The.. impressive hammer in John's hand catches his attention, but John's confused, baby-face eases any concerns he had over being pummeled to the ground with it.

"You'll never guess it." Which seems to suggest that, yes. John can try to guess the password. "But you only get three tries before I get bored."

"Alright..." John scratches his chin with his free hand, and gosh darn it he's putting some real thought into this! If he was some weird monk in the service of some... weird worm. Thing.

Murder worm. Monks. Murder worm. Monks.

"Is the password... dirt?"

The monk stares with his unimpressed expression as John puts on his contemplative one. Then, he speaks, and the monk furrows his brows in irritation.

"Dirt? Fucking dirt? What is wrong with you?" He shakes his head. "Two more tries, asshole."

"At least I'm not the one working for a worm, buddy." It's the only comeback he can really think of. He's really hung up on this worm business. Jeez, it could be anything though, and he's thinking that brute force guessing isn't going to get him anywhere, even if he had unlimited chances.

But he really, really wants to settle this amicably.

"How about, tomfoolery?"

"At least I'm not trying to fuck the worm." He snaps back, totally misunderstanding why John is here at all. Besides, he doesn't work for the worm, he's using the worm. There's such a big difference, John could not comprehend.

"It's better than your last shitty guess, but it's still garbage. One more try until your ass is grass. Or just gone."

Okay. Alright, okay. John has tried to humor this for as long as he can. He can take a good bit of japery, some shenanigans here and there. He'd accounted for more than his fair share of tomfoolery in his lifetime thus far, but this is starting to irritate him just enough that he's sort of Done with it.

"Yeah, I'm just gonna go in and take care of this worm or whatever." And, without any further pretense, makes his way to push past the monk.

Yeah, Kaph is just about as interested in cooperating with the nerdy-looking guy with the hammer as he is interested in taking any approach that doesn't involve completely dominating these jackasses.

He doesn't appear to have any weapons on him, but... he takes a stealthy look around. Having been in a few messy brawls in his life, he's had some practice in spotting weapons he can improvise out of his surroundings.

"Oh yeah? I don't suppose the password is 'password', now is it?"

"Ha ha." Todrick's voice is entirely flat, as is his expression. Maybe a little exasperated, but only because he really just wants to get back to doing fuck all.

"You have two more guesses, jackass. Hope you fuck them up that bad again so you can piss off."

"Wow, a little on edge, aren't you?"

He moves around to the side a little, trying to make it look like an idle motion, when he is, in fact, still on the lookout for something to grab. These idiots have partied hard enough that somebody's bound to have dropped something nearby, right? An empty bottle, heck, maybe a wooden plank somewhere for God knows what reason...

"Let's seeeeee... I bet you're too smart for the password to be 'fun' either, am I right? You guys sure have some impenetrable defenses here!"

There is a lot of garbage and rocks in the surrounding area that can be grabbed. Like hell Todrick is on the cleaning committee, he's just here to be a sour puss. He does it well, at least, to the very end.

"You would be too if idiots came up to you every night trying to get into the tent to fuck the worm." He gives Kaphlar a suspicious look, as if he believes that fucking the worm is his intention tonight.

"The password isn't.. Well. Fuck. It is, but you know what? You're still not getting in."

"Wait, what?"

Really? The password is fun. The secret password to the lair of the Fun Cult, who is behind the Funworm, is FUN.

"Really."

Kaphlar advances forward, glancing casually at the ground. He sees something - something potentially deadly, magic notwithstanding, but... Shrug. If these guys are gonna be like this, then they pretty much deserve it anyway.

"I guess you guys are just real idiots, then." He's barely done speaking when he bends down, grabs a broken glass bottle, and swings it at the cultist's head.

"Yes." Todrick says flatly, in a way that implies he finds the whole thing just as stupid and ridiculous. Yet, he's loyal enough to keep trying to stop this guy from getting in, because he's not budging from the doorway.

He's never really been violently accosted before, in such a desperate attempt to fuck the worm. Most people just come here, get their jollies from harassing him and leave.

So, he totally doesn't expect that bottle to the head, and he goes down like a shittily constructed house of cards under a light breeze. He grunts in distress and props himself up, using one hand to gingerly touch the side of his head and wince.

"What the fuck was that for?"

For a guy in such a sour mood, this cultist sure just took that hit much better than Kaph was expecting.

Now he's just sort of... limply holding the bottle, and staring at him in a way that probably isn't all that different from how the cultist's been staring at him.

"It's so you'll let me in, you moron. What the hell do you think?"

Hendrick the Fun Monk, on the other hand, looks a bit nervous. He’s new to the monastery, and even though things seem to be going as planned, he’s almost certain something will go wrong on his watch. He watches the newcomers approach with a wary eye, his arms crossed not in defiance but in anxiety, hands tucked under his biceps.

“Uh—sorry, uh, I can’t let you guys pass. This is holy ground, there’s...there’s a password.”

He can only hope that suffices to turn these people away. After all, they look awfully determined.

So, Ember has a theory. She's, by now, kind of getting the way this world works. It runs on sex, thrives on it. Utilizing sex appeal to her advantage is already part of her shtick, and it doesn't terribly bother her if she has to take it a step further. So, with these seeds planted in her head, it's only fair that reaches a natural conclusion. If this has got to go the way of a terrible porn plot, and she's gotta be waiting for a hot and fresh sausage pizza, then...

"Y'know, dipstick." She says, her voice taking on a sultry tone, firey hair being to flare up just a bit. "I'm willing to beg for the password."

...She might be taking it just a step too far.

The monk goes a little bit pale when confronted with this scarily beautiful ghost girl, her hair aflame, her voice all sultry. Okay, this isn't fair. His knees buckle a little bit under his robes.

"That's—I mean, that won't work." He clears his throat loudly. "This is a protected area, y-you won't be able to use your, ah—womanly charms on me!"

That's entirely a lie, but Holy Funworm, he has to at least try.

Goddamn, she's literally being as straightforward as possible and this guy is stuttering like a fucking moron. Ember's willing to put 20 bucks on the monk having never even been with another person before. It doesn't break her exterior, but she's a little disappointed. At least she knows that it's working, if nothing else.

"Tch." She clicks her tongue. "That's too bad, babycake. I'm willing to do a lot of things to get through."

She punctuates it with a little chuckle, loud enough for the monk to take notice. Fuck, she already feels like a bad porno parody of herself.

...Okay.

Okay, okay, be cool, Hendrick, this is your chance.

He can probably take advantage of this and not spill any important Fun God-related secrets, right? He can enjoy this golden opportunity without compromising the integrity of the mission. He totally can.

He clears his throat again, and this time his voice comes out a little stronger. "Oh really? Uh—like what?"

She shrugs.

"Dunno."

Listen, she's gonna do this shit, but that's not gonna stop her from fucking with him just a little. Especially if she wants to get what she came here for. She's laying the bait right now, and casually fidgets with her top just a little bit to make it all the more clear what she's after.

"Maybe you should give me some ideas. I like a man who takes charge."

"I, you—" He cuts off, looking a little dazed, like maybe he's got a case of whiplash. Which he does, along with a semi. Especially watching this girl fidget with her top like that...

"Uh. Well, y'know, I've always been into, ah—"

Hendrick glances around to make sure none of his fellow monks are lurking nearby, and then leans in close to whisper:

"Tittyfucking."

Holy fucking shit.

Of all the.

Christ.

She has to bite her lip to keep her expression remotely seductive, though her eyes very clearly veer off to the side for a second. Wasn't that kid with the hammer gonna go beat people up? He should just come over here and knock this guy over. I mean, dude has to be a virgin if he thinks tittyfucking is remotely enjoyable. She's livid, and her hair flares a bi-

Breath, Ember. This will all pay off soon enough.

Right. She leans forward. "Really, is that so?" She bites her lip, hushing her voice. "You want to fuck my tits."

Somewhere in the distance, music begins to play.

Honestly, Rudy can't believe he's gotten roped into doing this. Couldn't this have gone a better way, or at least couldn't he have found a lady monk or something? He's not proud of himself, but honestly, that's what the five or six (or was it seven?) ales he'd had before stumbling his way over to the tent was for. There might have been another one on the way as well, but that was just for luck. Regardless, he's late for the rendezvous, which he's sure he'll deal with later, but for now, he's just got to slather on the charm.

"Well hold on, now," Rudy raises a finger, casting a somewhat bleary gaze at the native clearly making moves on the girl... what was her name again..? "Bit forward, that. That any way t'talk to a lady, there? This one, especially? Hard working woman, you know. Worth every coin in your pockets, she is."

He places a hand on Ember's shoulder and smiles at her. It's not a bulletproof plan, but it's... something? She does look rather upset, but maybe with some luck, maybe they could manage to work together.

"Suppose a free sample might not hurt. Just a peek? If he wants the rest, I think it's fair t'ask him t'pay up, isn't it? Can't expect me best girl t'start givin' the goods out for free. Of course... Bein' a loyal, hard-workin' man yourself, wouldn't be good t'be seen slackin' off on the job now, would it? Can't imagine that'd go over very well..."

Ember, in those few seconds, utters three sentences in her head that she can't exactly blurt out. The first being "the fuck took you so long?" The second being "the fuck are you doing?" The third being "the fuck do you think I am?" She resists the urge to elbow Rudy in the gut, but again, this could mean she could be skipping the titfucking altogether.

Honestly, she's very okay with that possibility.

"Well, I guess." She smirks, playing along with him. "Honestly, I was just so eager."

Hendrick pauses mid-boner, eyes widening a little as the tall gentlemen steps up behind the ghost girl. Wait, what—

"Is this...some kinda setup?" He's so confused. Help him. He just came out to have a good time and he's honestly feeling so attacked right now. His face furrows in confusion.

"Hang on, hang on. You want me to pay you for sexual favors, and then you want me to also give you information?" Hendrick snorts. "No way. Forget about it."

Shit. Quick, Rudy, think of something! Everything's coming apart!

"Setup? You're lookin' at the wrong people for any sort of set up, mate." Rudy laughs and shrugs a shoulder, leaning an arm on Ember's shoulder and looking over at their mark.

"Well, suppose y'could pay in coin like everyone else. But y'know what, you're right. We do want somethin' from ya. Might be willin' t'waive the fee for ya if y'give it to us. Understand?" He gives his best smile. It's broad and quite playful. "You want somethin', we want somethin'. Only difference is if you don't give it to us, you'll get in trouble. We're offerin' t'at least reward ya with somethin' nice. You give us that password, yeah? We won't tattle, And this sweet thing'll let y'have somethin' nice."

Okay, so he's selling Ember up the river, but given the dire circumstances at the moment, hopefully it'll be worth it. "Y'don't, however, and we tell them other guards we saw 'round the other side what you've been up to. Two witnesses sayin' you're gettin' sexual favours from workin' women, yeah? Our word against yours... don't seem too nice in your favour, does it?"

You know, Rudy, threatening him might not be the best idea. She might have wanted to bash him on the head a couple of minutes ago for his stupid titfucking fetish, but then you waddled in here and things change. Ember has to audibly restrain herself, both when Rudy makes his dumb comments and when his dumb comments evolve into an even stupider plan. Perfect, just perfect.

The whole act doesn't give her much room to speak, besides. So Ember maintains her composure, listening to what Rudy has to say, careful not to punch him between the legs.

...Okay. Okay. That seems reasonable...right?

Truth be told, Hendrick actually can't be bothered to figure out whether or not it's reasonable right now. Really, what's the worst that could happen if he gives up the password? It's not like these two idiots are going to actually do any harm. The Fun God is basically invincible, unless you can figure out the right weapon to use.

He "hmmms" and then nods. "Alright. Alright, that seems fair. So, what does the password get me? A fuck? A blowjob?"

Mercifully, he seems to have forgotten about the tittyfucking.

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THE FUNWORM'S DOWNFALL

VIOLENT MONK - for John and Kaphlar

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SEXY MONK - for Ember and Rudy

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im so sorry

all around me are familiar faces. worn out places, worn out faces.

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