[open] Step one: stop lying.

[ignisvulpes]

Who: Kaphlar Kinra and you!
What: Lying, questing and shenanigans.
When: (waves hands vaguely) August
Where: Around the village (+ one bonus journal post)
Warnings: Kaph is an asshole. Will edit as needed.


A. Failed step one

[Not long after last month's feast, a nonchalantly-penned message appears on everyone's journals.]

I'm sorry to say that, thanks to a spell placed on me, I'll only be able to talk to lovely ladies for the near future, and not guys. [And then there's a sloppy drawing of a face crying a single tear.] Face to face, I mean. As you can see, I can still write just fine!

Anyway, now you know. Sorry if I end up giving you the cold shoulder on the street, yeah, guys? Nothing I can do about it!

[Heterosexuality secured.]


B. Continued failure

[Hahaha, a yodeling cow, he said. How hard could it be, he said. Fuck whatever past Kaph said to himself.

He was quick to formulate a plan, but being unable to buy resources just for this - he doesn't want to think of how he might be able to go to a shop and ask for a gag with the curse he's under, let alone how easily the sentence "Yeah, buddy, I need a gag for this cow" could be misinterpreted - Kaph just brought some of the shittier blankets from his room. Mostly the ones that were already dirty and he didn't feel like putting through the laundry. You'll be put to a good use, shitty blankets.

As it turns out, he forgot how big cows are, as well as how strong, especially when compared to him.

Currently, he can be found either:

- mounting the cow as she tries to shake him off, holding on to dear life by nothing but the blankets he's tried tying around her mouth;
- still holding on to those goddamn blankets, but this time he's tried stuffing them into the cow's mouth and now he's just being dragged across the ground;
- or tangled up on the stupid goddamn filthy blankets while the cow peacefully munches on some grass a few feet away.

In any case, all he can do is grunt and scream wordlessly.]


C. A way with words

[Hey, you know what's way easier and less painful than being trampled by a stinky cow? Writing euphemisms. Right now, Kaph is sitting on some stone steps in a livelier part of the village, letting himself be inspired by what he sees - he looks at a girl passing by, sees what comes to mind, and writes it down if it seems like Pure Gold, which, as far as he's concerned, is what all his words are.

"I'd stick my bread in her oven."
"I'd let her churn my butter."
"Her juice and my batter..."

... No, that one might be too much. Also, is he hungry or something?? Oh shit, nice tits at 12 o' clock.

"Let me have a taste of that good fruit, babe"

He makes a note on a different scrap of paper: "Look up local harvest goddess or whatever."

Whenever a man passes by, particularly an attractive one? He averts his eyes and focuses on what he's written, perhaps a bit too intently.]

Comments

[crimsonlight]

[A sigh escapes from her lips, so she reaches out and puts a thumb on one of his nipples, flicking the bud in small gentle motions. Loath as she is to continue encouraging this, he does have a right to express his frustration.]

Say your piece. I'm listening.

[ignisvulpes]

[He... can't quite take the nipple-rubbing as a comfort. It just makes him suspect he really is going to walk away from this encounter completely blue-balled.]

I don't care... [Her attentions grant a certain (if not pronounced) deep, rough quality to his tone.] ... how you feel about me right now. I don't care if you don't love me - back. [... Hopefully she'll take his fumbling as flusteredness, rather than the truth behind what he feels slipping through the cracks.] If-- If I can make you happy just once, that's enough for me.

[crimsonlight]

[ Ah, so there it is. Yenh pauses her hands, clamping his nipples with her fingers as she licks her lips and begins to formulate her response. ]

It's not... about reciprocity. [ She feels a whelling of emotions that she has labored to keep guarded and checked, and the ache of a deep hurt plays out across her face. It was frustrating to find herself put to the task of dealing with the feeling again and again and again. It was exhausting in ways that combat could never be. ]

[ Her eyes return their focus onto him. ] It is true that I don't... feel anything so deep and significant. Yet, ultimately, I do still care for your wellbeing.

I wish you to see me as a friend. A protector. If you can "love" me that way, then I'll gladly accept your attentions.

[ignisvulpes]

[That's good enough for him. If that's the role he has to play to get what he wants, then he'll stick with it until he's had enough.

Which may be a while longer than usual, if his rotten luck keeps up.]

Don't we all need friends in a strange land?

[He's leaning closer. Friends can totally make out, right?]

[crimsonlight]

[Yenh removes her hands from his nipples and places them squarely on his shoulders, stopping him with a rather shocking amount of solid strength for how small she is.]

Your distress is getting the better of you, even as we speak.

[And since that sounded mean in her own mind, she tries to explain.] I'm the protector of my realm—and mayhap a day will come when I rise to become this one's guardian, as well. To aid and defend is my calling, and I serve 'til death.

... that's why you musn't.

[ignisvulpes]

[FUCK, so close. The gears in Kaph's head start turning again. Goddammit, he's never had to seduce anyone with a hero complex, how is he supposed to...?]

Yeah, su-- [Ugh. Gotta reformulate that. With any luck, Yenh might not have heard how annoyed he just sounded; he's straining his voice quite a bit to make himself heard now.] I understand that. But you said we could be friends, right? So what's the...

[... Yeah, you know what? He was just running his mouth off for a bit there, but what the hell, he might as well go with the idea that just came to mind.]

Oh, I get it. We've got a culture gap kind of thing going on here.

[crimsonlight]

[She did pick up on his annoyance, but she doesn't hold it against him. After all, as far as she's concerned, he's Emotionally Compromised. And she has spent much of her time with people who occasionally resort to fist fights or worse to sort out their differences, so it's not as though she is bothered by a little bit of barb.]

[No, instead, she blinks at his sudden change of course. And in the interest of being able to hear him again, her hands return to his nipples as her head tilts in curiosity.]

How so?

[ignisvulpes]

[He smiles. His look of renewed confidence could easily be mistaken for simple pleasure at Yenh's attentions.]

I'm guessing your place didn't really have the concept of "friends with benefits". Am I right?

[crimsonlight]

[ Friends with benefits... that sounds extremely Ul'dahn and in context, she's sure she could take a pretty good stab at the meaning... yet it's better safe than sorry, now. She's already misread him enough for one day. ]

You'll need to elaborate, I'm afraid.

[ignisvulpes]

It's very simple. It's a friendship much like any other... but with extra benefits, as the name implies. And those benefits might include, say...

[He looks down at her hands.]

The sort of thing you're doing right now... Or just about anything beyond it.

[crimsonlight]

[Yenh looks at her hands, then back up at him. Her hands stop once more, and her expression becomes truly guilty.]

No, no, no. I certainly do have that concept. Moreso than most, perhaps.

That is not the issue— you professed love.

[ignisvulpes]

[That does it. Maybe it's thanks to how sure he was that this would finally work, or maybe it's something else - whatever the reason, it's like a switch has been flipped. He throws his arms in the air and yells, furious:]

I lied!

[Good thing it's not that loud at all. Thanks, Mistress.]

[crimsonlight]

[Yenh reels back in obvious shock. It takes a moment for it to properly sink in-]

[And then she feels wave upon wave of relief. Laughing her tension off, she slaps herself on the forehead. Really, she fell for it, and there's no denying that.]

Gods, Kaphlar! Small wonder that Eowyn regards you so poorly.

[ignisvulpes]

[Laughter isn't exactly the reaction he expected this time, either. Boy, Yenh is full of mysteries. Does he, like... still have a chance, or...??]

... The thing about friends with benefits was true, though.

[crimsonlight]

Of that, I have no doubt. [ While holding eye contact, Yenh reaches out unceremoniously and grabs him by the crotch, giving it one good firm rub. Then she stills her hand. ]

I've taken scoundrels to bed, but you'll have to earn it. Without your lies, preferably.

[ignisvulpes]

[Oho. This? He's down for this. She may be teasing him, but he grins regardless.]

Comparing me to an ordinary scoundrel? Now I really do feel hurt. Almost.

[crimsonlight]

[Yenh raises her eyebrows, looking rather amused by his claim.]

Oh, no no no. How cruel you may or may not be doesn't impress me. I'd much rather take a dozen bumbling virgin allies to bed than one supremely talented villain.

You'll have to make me want it. And meanwhile- [She gives his testes a small squeeze—nothing exactly painful, but the pressure in her grip makes it very clear exactly how strong she actually is.] -I'm going to keep my eye on you.

[ignisvulpes]

[The grin turns into a half-wince - more out of fear that she'll actually hurt him than anything else - but that aside, he stands tall and confident. Impressive by someone's standards, he's sure.]

Scoundrel or not, you'll see I'm in no way ordinary. [He winks.] Careful with all that talk, though! Wouldn't want me REALLY falling for you, now would you?

[crimsonlight]

[Yenh purses her lips, falling completely silent—but not letting go. There is a long pause before she speaks again, her smile returning to easy. And her tone the entire time is so steadfastly conversational and friendly that there is no way it is an act.]

I'd truly rather you not. The men whom have held your position oft end up dead by my hand. And Kaphlar, I truly don't relish taking life, but I've long stopped flinching at the smell of burned flesh and the vibration and resistance of my blade sliding through a man's ribcage!

Don't make me have to share the experience with you, hm? I'd much rather not.

[And now that Yenh has finished Being Real, she lets his balls go and gives them a pat.]

[ignisvulpes]

[His cold sweat lasts only for as long as she has his hands on him. When she lets go, he lets her words sink in...

And then he laughs. It's a sincere sound, and yet, at the same time, it seems to border on hysterical. When it dies down, he looks at her the way a racer would look at a track they're eager to conquer.

This time, he won't bother struggling against the Mistress's curse. Instead, he gives her an oddly fond wave before he turns to walk away.

... Now where the hell did that cow go?]

[crimsonlight]

[If only she could claim that to be the first time some crazy fool has looked at her that way.]

[Yenh wonders if this is why she keeps attracting this kind of attention to herself, too. Eugh.]

[Content to leave Kaphlar to find the cow, she hops the fence and begins a nice long walk to find a nice cold creek to jump into and wash the reek of slime off of her body.]