[open] Step one: stop lying.

[ignisvulpes]

Who: Kaphlar Kinra and you!
What: Lying, questing and shenanigans.
When: (waves hands vaguely) August
Where: Around the village (+ one bonus journal post)
Warnings: Kaph is an asshole. Will edit as needed.


A. Failed step one

[Not long after last month's feast, a nonchalantly-penned message appears on everyone's journals.]

I'm sorry to say that, thanks to a spell placed on me, I'll only be able to talk to lovely ladies for the near future, and not guys. [And then there's a sloppy drawing of a face crying a single tear.] Face to face, I mean. As you can see, I can still write just fine!

Anyway, now you know. Sorry if I end up giving you the cold shoulder on the street, yeah, guys? Nothing I can do about it!

[Heterosexuality secured.]


B. Continued failure

[Hahaha, a yodeling cow, he said. How hard could it be, he said. Fuck whatever past Kaph said to himself.

He was quick to formulate a plan, but being unable to buy resources just for this - he doesn't want to think of how he might be able to go to a shop and ask for a gag with the curse he's under, let alone how easily the sentence "Yeah, buddy, I need a gag for this cow" could be misinterpreted - Kaph just brought some of the shittier blankets from his room. Mostly the ones that were already dirty and he didn't feel like putting through the laundry. You'll be put to a good use, shitty blankets.

As it turns out, he forgot how big cows are, as well as how strong, especially when compared to him.

Currently, he can be found either:

- mounting the cow as she tries to shake him off, holding on to dear life by nothing but the blankets he's tried tying around her mouth;
- still holding on to those goddamn blankets, but this time he's tried stuffing them into the cow's mouth and now he's just being dragged across the ground;
- or tangled up on the stupid goddamn filthy blankets while the cow peacefully munches on some grass a few feet away.

In any case, all he can do is grunt and scream wordlessly.]


C. A way with words

[Hey, you know what's way easier and less painful than being trampled by a stinky cow? Writing euphemisms. Right now, Kaph is sitting on some stone steps in a livelier part of the village, letting himself be inspired by what he sees - he looks at a girl passing by, sees what comes to mind, and writes it down if it seems like Pure Gold, which, as far as he's concerned, is what all his words are.

"I'd stick my bread in her oven."
"I'd let her churn my butter."
"Her juice and my batter..."

... No, that one might be too much. Also, is he hungry or something?? Oh shit, nice tits at 12 o' clock.

"Let me have a taste of that good fruit, babe"

He makes a note on a different scrap of paper: "Look up local harvest goddess or whatever."

Whenever a man passes by, particularly an attractive one? He averts his eyes and focuses on what he's written, perhaps a bit too intently.]

Comments

C

[hauntpadour]

[Hey look, its that young fucker that broke his nose.]

[He saw the mistress humiliate you. You're not so untouchable, punk.]

[Egon has had to settle for more local wares, and not a lot of hair product. He looks... much less aggressively 80's. The hair is still quite a bit of something to look at, but it's in a much more traditional, tightly tied back pomp and ponytail. He's also got one of those lace-up shirts with the short sleeves, open most of the way down his chest because that's just what's comfortable.]

[He keeps his eyes away from Kaph, but is busy purchasing some potions at the nearest stand.]

[ignisvulpes]

[Oh, there he goes. That guy. What's-his-face with the stupid hair and the stupid lips. At least the pompadour's gone now - Kaph smirks to himself and turns his eyes back to his work.

He glances up again. Dude's hair actually looks kinda nice now. Soft and all.

Back to his work.

... God, look at that terrible, stupid lacy shirt. Why's he got to wear it that way? He's aping Kaph's style, is what he's doing, except in a totally wrong way because he's trying too hard and it's not like he even has anything worth showing off! Who'd even want to look at a chest like that, huh?!

...

Kaph grits his teeth, picks up some pebbles and flings them at Egon.]

[hauntpadour]

[Egon would claim that he's hardly trying at all, considering he didn't have much in the way of hair gel and the pins he used to maintain a head of hair like he normally did.]

[But still, he's not bad.]

[The blonde flinches a bit, more out of surprise than pain, when he gets pelted on the back with stones, turning away from his business and zeroing in on Kaph.]

What is your problem?

[ignisvulpes]

[Kaph shrugs, dragging his fingers across his mouth innocently. Didn't you see what he wrote on the journal, buddy? Gee!

... Okay, he was trying to tell Egon something, though, so he'd better see if he can get the message across.

First, he gestures to the several sheets of paper he's holding, wiggling his quill. Then he sets it all on his lap and holds his hands flat against each side of his head before sliding them forward.

CLARITY.]

[hauntpadour]

[Oh right, still cursed. Egon can't help but grin a little sadistically.]

You still can't speak, can you?

[ignisvulpes]

[Oh, he does not like the look on that fucker's face. With an annoyed glare, Kaph nods in acknowledgement.

Then he points at Egon, lifts that finger, spins it around and points somewhere else far away.]

[hauntpadour]

[Oh, time to be super smug because he can. The other man immediately forgets and business he had, leaning on the nearest thing he can lean on.]

You know I can probably help you.

[ignisvulpes]

[Kaph raises an eyebrow, inquisitive but guarded. What the hell is he talking about?]

[hauntpadour]

There's got to be something more to this than just "magic".

[The doctor adds finger quotes for emphasis, looking down at Kaph.]

A throat exam and a chat with the owner of the apothecary could clear it up.

[ignisvulpes]

[He looks at Egon, unimpressed, for just a moment before he gets his quill and the spare scrap of paper again. He scribbles something down and then shows him:

It's magic, you moron.]

[hauntpadour]

There's always a base of science in magic.

[This is one of the few things that Dr. Egon Spengler will always be extremely smarmy about, kaph. Do you want help or not?]

[ignisvulpes]

[Kaph remains skeptical... but he shrugs and looks at Egon expectantly. Knock yourself out, Doc.]

[hauntpadour]

Come on.

[Forget his potions. Egon waves Kaph to get up and follow him towards the ugly little mud hut he lives in.]

So what lets you speak?

B

[crimsonlight]

[As he is tangled in blankets and screaming, a pair of hands grabs one part and pulls. Yenh was thinking about that trick where you yank a tablecloth and the table's contents remain where they're meant to be, but it turns out that doesn't quite work when it comes to men tangled and hollering in the grass.]

[She tries to do a better job by pulling while running, and ends up half dragging him a few feet.]

[Her attempt to be all chivalrous and cool: failed.]

[ignisvulpes]

[Oh Jesus, what the fuck is going on, he can't see shit. Did he just get stuck on something? Tangled up in some other animal's feet? WHERE IS HE GOING?

As he loses momentum, he resumes his efforts to flail himself out of his prison, and while he still has no idea what his leg situation is like right now, he manages to free his head and an arm.

Oh hey, it's Yenh.

Oh GOD it's Yenh and she just saw him making a complete fucking fool out of himself.

He forces a grin, a bead of cold sweat rolling down his face as he points at her. His mouth tries to get out a "Heeey", but it's like someone took a remote and muted him.]

[crimsonlight]

[ Trying to recover from her own embarrassment that she couldn't be totally badass with these dirty bedsheets, she wiggles her fingers at him in hello. ]

[ She had glanced at his journal entry, but she presumes she's fine. No curse here, right?? ]

[ Yenh hikes her skirt up above her knee, and reaches up the rest of the way to free a knife from the top of her entirely too-tall thighboot. ]

I see that the cow took you captive. Worry not, they're tricky beasts, these cows. They have too many stomachs to be trusted.

[ignisvulpes]

[Whoa, now that is a nice sight. Kaph tries not to make his ogling too apparent, but he can't help himself from tracing the curve of Yenh's leg with his eyes.

... The knife is kind of hot too, in a weird way.

Anyway, he laughs somewhat dryly at her joke, but that's the only sound he can make. Hmm. Hmmm. This might get tricky.]

[crimsonlight]

[ Yenh notices him staring, and sighs before she can stop herself. Oh well. Crouching down beside him, she looks him over for the best place to make the cut. ]

Has the coeurl got your tongue? Or were you simply flattering me about my beauty? [ Not that she seems offended. And she isn't; mostly, she's just concerned with getting him loose. Digging her hand in between a bit of Kaph and the blanket, she tilts her head and looks him in the eye. ] Pray hold still. I don't want to cut you. Or myself.

[ignisvulpes]

[It now occurs to him that he should have been a bit more specific with his lie. He holds out his free hand to her, meaning to explain somehow - but then he holds still when the knife draws closer.

He has an idea, but he'll need to be free before putting it into practice. Kaph gives her the go-ahead with a nod.]

[crimsonlight]

[ She sets to work sawing through the fabric, occasionally pausing to pull and see if she can rip it. Yenh makes reasonably quick work of the coils, and soon it is bye-bye bedsheets... hello, a free kaph and a new set of rags, which Yenh is busy clearing away from said free Kaph. ]

And there you are! No longer mummified. Are you alright?

[ignisvulpes]

[Sweet, sweet freedom. Kaph's robes are torn here and there - that goddamn cow took him places - but otherwise, he seems to be fine. He gives Yenh a thumbs-up, grinning.

... Alright, time to see if this will work, then. He signals at her to come closer.]

[crimsonlight]

[ Blinking, she shifts closer to him. She doesn't know what he's doing or why, so she figures she may as well play along. ]

Hm? What is it?

[ignisvulpes]

[Oh, no, that's nowhere near close enough for this to work, and he's sure of it. Closer, he signals. Like, all the way in his fucking face.]

[crimsonlight]

[ Closer, closer... this is rapidly becoming Too Close. ]

Um...?

[ignisvulpes]

[Okay, that should do it. Now, what he's going to try to do is whisper the following in his smoothest, huskiest tone of voice - which, to be fair, is well-practiced, although he finds it's always slightly more effective a drink or two into the conversation:]

Sorry, Yenh. [And he goes to place a hand on her head, for good measure.] I didn't want to say too much about my curse out in the open, but...

[Shit, is this working? He can barely hear himself and if it's not working he will be filled with a renewed desire to punch the Mistress in the guts.]