kingdomcomes | FREE ORGASMS!

Who: Yenh and you!
What: Distributing special potions to warm up the winter (and generate interest in sales).
When: January
Where: Whenever, I'm not the spacetime police.
Warnings: Please see the subject line.

[With only a fluffy winter hood strapped to her head for any additional consideration for the weather, Yenh is hard at work. Balanced with a sling around her shoulders, she carries a tray full of slots for little vials—also containing rows of vials in different colors. The front of the tray has been painted in crude handwriting to say "FREE ORGASMS!"]

[Traveling through the streets and into the pubs and taverns around the Kingdom, Yenh begins her pitch.]

Warm up the natural way! Have an orgasm! No need to even disrobe!

[A villager comes up, curious, and asks after one.]

Certainly! From this batch, I've three options: external orgasm, internal orgasm, or nipple orgasm.

[The villager makes a choice, and downs it on the spot. Yenh leans forward slightly, watching as there is an expectant pause... and then the villager curls their hands up to their chest and issues out in a sharp yell, knees trembling as they sink and then lie prone. Her head tracks their descent. Satisfied that this person was not just having very poorly timed heart failure, she smiles.]

One sample per person—but larger batches can be brewed to order! [The villager didn't ask, as they're still in a state of semi-shock from just being walloped with an orgasm out of nowhere. But Yenh seems satisfied that she's made an impact without killing someone, and carries on with her little science experiment/community service project.]

Anyone else?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Ford has been spending a lot of his time in taverns lately. It's the warmest place available to him (his own tiny shack, while much more homey than it was when he moved in, still doesn't retain heat very well). It's also an excellent place to get business, because people who are already a little drunk are both more free with their coins and more interested in hand-drawn personalized pornography.

He's actually just on his way out when the door gets very much blocked by Yenh and the person lying prone at her feet. Which, hey, that's fine. He can do this instead today. He examines the tray of vials critically.]

I wonder how many of those one would have to drink at once before the physical strain became fatal.

[Priorities!]

[Oh, it's monster porn mag guy.]

[Yenh tilts her head and gives him kind of a concerned look. Not that she necessarily suspects he's planning on doing anything like that- just that it's a question of curiosity. Still...]

I cannot claim to know—I'm not in the business of murdering innocent folk just looking for some quick fun.

Oh, I wasn't implying anything of the sort.

[It totally sounded like he was, though. Stanford Pines maybe doesn't think before he opens his big fat idiot mouth.]

I suppose it hardly matters unless the compound itself is addictive. Most people will self-regulate.

[Yenh waves her hand dismissively.]

I can assure you that I, having tested these myself, am not addicted. [That's the best way to Science, after all.]

So I must ask: have you ever had a nipple orgasm? [Her hand hovers over a vial.]

[That actually takes him aback, mainly because the answer is no. He's done so much in his long life when it comes to sex that someone suggesting something he legitimately has never experienced is novel. He blinks owlishly down at the vial.]

... No. I wasn't aware that was a possibility.

[Which, like, to be fair? The amount of people he's done The Fuck with who have nipples is a very small percentage, and if anyone ever paid his any attention presumably they didn't do it right or for long enough.]

Ah, unfortunate. Well, until you meet someone able to take you down the slower road... [ She plucks it up from its hole, and offers the vial out between her index and middle finger like some kind of nerd. ]

[And wiggles it slightly.]

Here’s a climax on the house.

['Like some kind of nerd' don't call him out like this he picks stuff up like that all the time

He takes the vial, lifting it to eye level and swirling it experimentally. Hm.

The real question is does he drink it now. There's no taboo against that here so that's not an issue (he's always been one to adapt to the norms of the universe he finds himself in, where possible). There are literally people fucking loudly in a booth not twenty feet away. He is also pretty sure he's got a strong enough constitution to remain on his feet.

Also he is just burningly curious about how the fuck nipple orgasm works. Executive decisions time. For science!]

... Well. Bottoms up, as they say.

[It takes a second to hit and when it does -- well, he wasn't sure what he was expecting, but this seems about right. He chokes back a noise and brings up one hand to grip convulsively at one of the wooden beams holding up the roof, because unlike some people he is not gonna just fucking fall over. But, whuf. That's a lot to weather with no buildup.]

Holy moses.

[Éowyn is watching with a mixture of amusement and concern from the corner of the tavern. She moves to haul the villager to their feet, raising her eyebrows at Yenh.]

Really?

This batch came out a bit stronger than I anticipated, [She admits carefully, watching as the villager is very carefully protective of their nipples from the movement of fabric against them.] But they're as safe as an ale!

Care to take one for later? [Yenh very slightly jostles the tray at Eowyn.]

[Éowyn gives her a Look, pursing her lips.]

The floor is hard. I would sooner not find myself upon it.

Besides, I cannot say that it offers much promise. It seems to take the worth out of things.

[Yenh was about to protest and point out she could save it for later, but she reads Éowyn's Look and takes the hint. She smiles.]

Ah, the fairest point from the fairest warrior present. If I may appeal instead to practicality: the locals will buy anything, if it indulges the base senses.

I do not mean to damage your business, fear not.

[She smiles a little.]

I do not understand it, nor wish to buy one, but then, I understand so little else here.

[Her smile softens into something a bit less apologetic and more kind. Yenh can't help but be reminded of her Ishgardian friends, here and back home.]

There's no shame in that, truly. I've an excessively adaptable nature. Which is a nice way of saying "loose morals."

They may be a boon, in such a place as this.

[She smiles, a little self-consciously.]

Certainly, you have adapted better than I.

[Well, you don't see this at the tavern every day. Not spontaneously, at least.

Kaphlar gets up and eyes her merchandise with skepticism, which may be just about the most sincere way he's looked at anything Yenh has been involved with.]

What's the point?

[Wow, thanks.]

[Upon seeing the pointyman once again, Yenh raises her eyebrows, her grin pulling bright. Since she's peddling her own free wares here, there is nothing holding her back from any movement toward Shit Talking.]

Ah, Kaphlar! I'm afraid that a virile stud such as yourself could never understand.

[Kaph doesn't seem amused, but on the other hand, he doesn't look mad either, so Well Done.]

No, seriously. What's the fun in just cumming?

A multitude of reasons, really. [Yenh shifts her weight, cocking her hip to the side. She rests a hand on it and ignores the awkwardness in how the tray hangs.]

For the feeling you get after a good wank, without needing to take the time for it out of your busy day. You do wank, do you not? [Yenh makes an obscene gesture.]

Ah, and some people have trouble in the bedroom—more likely than you may think!—and may wish to burn off the steam. Or for the sheer novelty of the experience of "just cumming."

Huh. [His eyebrows rise.] Alright, good pitch, good pitch. I can see you've thought about this. I've never had trouble - of course - but I get the novelty thing.

[You know, it's just like drugs!]

[He comes up in time to hear her varieties of orgasm. He automatically places a hand over his chest and mouths "Nipples?" at her. He pulls his bottom lip into his mouth.]

Say, how does that taste?

FREE ORGASMS!

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I can't believe grandpa is the first person to be horny on main. before KAPH even

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