[open] Step one: stop lying.

[ignisvulpes]

Who: Kaphlar Kinra and you!
What: Lying, questing and shenanigans.
When: (waves hands vaguely) August
Where: Around the village (+ one bonus journal post)
Warnings: Kaph is an asshole. Will edit as needed.


A. Failed step one

[Not long after last month's feast, a nonchalantly-penned message appears on everyone's journals.]

I'm sorry to say that, thanks to a spell placed on me, I'll only be able to talk to lovely ladies for the near future, and not guys. [And then there's a sloppy drawing of a face crying a single tear.] Face to face, I mean. As you can see, I can still write just fine!

Anyway, now you know. Sorry if I end up giving you the cold shoulder on the street, yeah, guys? Nothing I can do about it!

[Heterosexuality secured.]


B. Continued failure

[Hahaha, a yodeling cow, he said. How hard could it be, he said. Fuck whatever past Kaph said to himself.

He was quick to formulate a plan, but being unable to buy resources just for this - he doesn't want to think of how he might be able to go to a shop and ask for a gag with the curse he's under, let alone how easily the sentence "Yeah, buddy, I need a gag for this cow" could be misinterpreted - Kaph just brought some of the shittier blankets from his room. Mostly the ones that were already dirty and he didn't feel like putting through the laundry. You'll be put to a good use, shitty blankets.

As it turns out, he forgot how big cows are, as well as how strong, especially when compared to him.

Currently, he can be found either:

- mounting the cow as she tries to shake him off, holding on to dear life by nothing but the blankets he's tried tying around her mouth;
- still holding on to those goddamn blankets, but this time he's tried stuffing them into the cow's mouth and now he's just being dragged across the ground;
- or tangled up on the stupid goddamn filthy blankets while the cow peacefully munches on some grass a few feet away.

In any case, all he can do is grunt and scream wordlessly.]


C. A way with words

[Hey, you know what's way easier and less painful than being trampled by a stinky cow? Writing euphemisms. Right now, Kaph is sitting on some stone steps in a livelier part of the village, letting himself be inspired by what he sees - he looks at a girl passing by, sees what comes to mind, and writes it down if it seems like Pure Gold, which, as far as he's concerned, is what all his words are.

"I'd stick my bread in her oven."
"I'd let her churn my butter."
"Her juice and my batter..."

... No, that one might be too much. Also, is he hungry or something?? Oh shit, nice tits at 12 o' clock.

"Let me have a taste of that good fruit, babe"

He makes a note on a different scrap of paper: "Look up local harvest goddess or whatever."

Whenever a man passes by, particularly an attractive one? He averts his eyes and focuses on what he's written, perhaps a bit too intently.]

Comments

[crimsonlight]

[ Fortunately for Kaph, Yenh doesn't think he's a super idiot. Just in need of a little help and inspiration.]

Once, I tried to improve upon a chocobo's odor by spraying him with perfume. It worked about as well as your gag idea did.

The driver suggested I spray perfume on a cloth for the man whose nose was so offended by their smell, and that served to mask the smell.

[ignisvulpes]

[Well, isn't that cute. Yenh, that is, and not the idea. The idea is okay, he guesses. But it's endearing when a girl with a cute face and nice legs can get things done.]

Oh, I get what you're saying... [His voice stays at a mildly seductive whisper, in part because it's just about the only way he can be heard right now.] All we have to do is make our client and his neighbors go deaf.

[WINK.]

[crimsonlight]

[The one downside to her animal-ish features is that she looks very much like a startled cat when Kaph draws his conclusion.]

N- no, I meant, we should find a way to plug their ears.

... Temporarily.

[ignisvulpes]

Hahahahahahahah!

[His laugh toes a curious line between genuinely amused and mocking. Luckily, it leans a little more towards the former.]

I'm just messing with you~

[The honey-sweet way he trails off is deliberate, an attempt to make sure he's heard.]

[crimsonlight]

[ With a blink and a sigh, she shrugs at him. ]

... Well, then, what shall we do?

[ There isn't even a hint of annoyance in her voice. ]

And also for your "situation." No offense, but all your sweet-talking leaves me wishing to reach for my water skein.

[ignisvulpes]

[Kaph quickly assesses how likely he is to make himself look better if he says something along the lines of "Because you're getting so hot and bothered, right."

He's not taking the risk.]

Well, I don't know about that. As far as I know, this is only wearing off when the Mistress feels like it.

[Like, he doesn't have to stick anything up his ass to break the curse, right??]

[crimsonlight]

So- all we can do is try something else.

[And with a resigned sigh, she gives him an awkward smile. Knowing the answer, and yet, her sense of duty to help those in need is what prevent her from just being like "well, good luck with that!" and walking away.]

What else will make you feel sexy?

[ignisvulpes]

[Oh fuck. This is his CHANCE. He knows he can't push it, sure, but he can't just let this opening slip by, either!]

Well... [Good God, he's really slathering that honey on now.] Your encouragement would be a great start.

[crimsonlight]

[ Encouragement. That's what he's into? ] Oh? Well, alright...

[ Her ears swivel and she gives him an impossibly warm and kind smile. Her hands rest on her knees, and she offers him this: ]

You're doing a fantastic job. Don't give up- you've the capability within you!

1/2

[ignisvulpes]

...

[IS SHE FUCKING WITH HIM OR]

[ignisvulpes]

No, goddammit! That was a euphemism! A euphemism!

[Sadly, all those words come out strained and barely audible. But hey, maybe that will help get the point across!]

[crimsonlight]

[ She strains to hear him, which indeed shows that wasn't quite what he meant. Her shoulders shift in a shrug as Yenh gives up on that at once. ]

Oh, that wasn't what you meant. Be clearer! [ Now that she knows she can't just talk him off with nice sentiments, she grabs a handful of the tattered robe and lifts it up. Now she can see what she's doing, as she grabs a thigh midway up and massages him. ]

You're only frustrating yourself.

[ignisvulpes]

[Whoa, hello. NOW we're getting somewhere. Kaph searches for her other hand and reaches out to rest his on top of hers.]

Well, I didn't want to risk being rude... You deserve better.

[crimsonlight]

[She doesn't advance farther than that, though; in fact, Yenh quickly shifts her approach to a rather therapeutic massage. It is definitely not the massage of some amateur. She has fingers like biceps.]

[Her eyes flicker up to his hand, and she gives him a smile.]

Considerate of you. But that does beg how I would like to be politely and clearly asked. Hmm.

[At this point, she has resigned herself to her fate. Encouraging a pointy fox man to dirty talk properly is far from the worst thing Yenh has ever had to do.] I believe you should attempt it before your voice gives out again.

[ignisvulpes]

[Hot damn. That may not be as sexy as what he hoped for, but it's not bad at all.

... Plus, it's the closest he's gotten to non-hostile action in months. Let him have this.]

If you insist... [Oh no. His smirk is getting especially pointy. Oh no, here he goes.] Mind if I pay you back for your dexterity?

[crimsonlight]

[ Yes, she almost responds, but that's rude and counterproductive. She certainly knows some of her newly formed defensiveness is thanks to trusting Éowyn's judgment over her own, but Yenh reminds herself to suss out the situation more. Maybe he's just slimy but is otherwise fine? She's known men like that. ]

Maaaaybe. How do you intend to do that, ser?

[ignisvulpes]

How abooout...

[He reaches out and places a hand on her thigh, just above where her boot ends. Really, he's being conservative here! Testing the waters and all that!]

[crimsonlight]

[ Yenh looks at his hand, then up at him, and then to the immediate area. As she's casting her gaze around the pasture (and half expecting to see everyone she knows peeking up from the taller sections of remaining grass), Yenh untucks her skirt from where it bunched at her knees and lifts the edge—only enough to allow him a chance to slip his hand in under it. This seems like such a bad idea. But she has talked herself into giving him a chance to seduce her. ...Even if it feels like she has been holding his hand a little to reach this point. ]

[ignisvulpes]

[It's true that he can be, and usually is, much more forward than this. Back home, he has status and money and power; he doesn't have to try very hard if he just wants to fuck. Here, he's been stripped of all that - and if people like Éowyn go around spreading shit about him, there won't be a damn thing he can do about it.

It's not that he feels insecure, heavens, no. That word isn't even in his vocabulary! He's just... you know... playing on the defensive.

His hand moves in, a thumb pressing softly at her inner thigh, hunting for a more sensitive spot. He leans closer, too; if Yenh lets him, close enough to feel his breath on her skin.]

You know what, Yenh? You deserve to know you're gorgeous.

[crimsonlight]

[His thumb roaming illicits a small but sharp intake of breath; Yenh's legs are already parted enough from simply squatting down to his level that she merely waits for his hand to find its way.]

[Yenh takes another glance around. They're being subtle enough right now that she's less worried about anyone happening past, but- oh, he's talking. His words make her feel a surge of something rather odd, like an uncomfortable swelling.]

I must confess... I'm typically praised for- ah, other qualities.

[ignisvulpes]

Oh, sure. You're talented, aren't you? I can tell... you're really something special.

[His thumb probes further, coming closer and closer to her crotch at a slow, deliberate pace. He casts a glance up at Yenh's face before deciding to go in for a quick kiss to her thigh.]

[crimsonlight]

[As soon as she notices herself clenching her teeth, she relaxes. He's just one of those people who sounds kinda smarmy when they're being sincere, aren't they? She can't help but think of Hancock, the Ul'dahn merchant stationed in Kugane- and then Yenh promptly realizes she absolutely does not want to think about Hancock during sex, so she hyperfocuses down on Kaph, and smiles.]

[Her hand lands on his head, her fingers raking through his hair a few times before settling into a barely-a-grab. Yenh's attempt to not to seem obvious about the man between her legs is quickly failing, as her legs' gradual parting has hiked her skirt upward toward her waist. She figures she can fix it in a moment maybe, but for now...]

[Her underwear is, dramatically, black.]

I'd truly love to be humble, but it'd also make me a liar. Aye, I am...

[ignisvulpes]

There's nothing wrong with being proud. [He's quiet, but as far as he's concerned, the Mistress's spell has nothing to do with it this time. His tone of voice is very much deliberate.

That stupid yodeling cow can go take a hike. This is a success that actually matters.]

I bet you've accomplished a lot, wherever you're from. [Another kiss, and his hand has reached her underwear. Two of his fingers press against her slit through the fabric.]

And here... Well, I don't have to tell you what you've done to me, do I? [He looks up at her, giving her the well-practiced grin of an innocent boy in love.]

[crimsonlight]

[Every muscle in her stomach tenses. She knows the look well enough—her deeds are indeed renowned enough that she has seen many a young man (and of course, sometimes, a young woman) gaze at her with that exact intense look.]

I can't-

[She pushes a steadying hand back on his shoulder so that he doesn't faceplant into the ground, but Yenh shifts backward and adjusts her skirt back to a modest position. Really, if she'd thought for two seconds about this whole idea and the fact he'd been a little sweet at the feast... she could kick herself.]

I'm sorry, Kaph, you don't- if you've feelings like that, it's safer that I not nurture them.

[ignisvulpes]

[For a moment, it's quite clear Kaph has no idea how to respond. Not because he looks particularly broken-hearted, but because he's confused; he stares at Yenh with furrowed brows as if she'd just said complete nonsense.

Then he finally gets back on his feet, wipes the dust off his clothes, and makes absolutely no effort to conceal what he's feeling: a baffled kind of annoyance.]

What, do you just wanna fuck, then? I'm down to fuck.