[open] Step one: stop lying.

[ignisvulpes]

Who: Kaphlar Kinra and you!
What: Lying, questing and shenanigans.
When: (waves hands vaguely) August
Where: Around the village (+ one bonus journal post)
Warnings: Kaph is an asshole. Will edit as needed.


A. Failed step one

[Not long after last month's feast, a nonchalantly-penned message appears on everyone's journals.]

I'm sorry to say that, thanks to a spell placed on me, I'll only be able to talk to lovely ladies for the near future, and not guys. [And then there's a sloppy drawing of a face crying a single tear.] Face to face, I mean. As you can see, I can still write just fine!

Anyway, now you know. Sorry if I end up giving you the cold shoulder on the street, yeah, guys? Nothing I can do about it!

[Heterosexuality secured.]


B. Continued failure

[Hahaha, a yodeling cow, he said. How hard could it be, he said. Fuck whatever past Kaph said to himself.

He was quick to formulate a plan, but being unable to buy resources just for this - he doesn't want to think of how he might be able to go to a shop and ask for a gag with the curse he's under, let alone how easily the sentence "Yeah, buddy, I need a gag for this cow" could be misinterpreted - Kaph just brought some of the shittier blankets from his room. Mostly the ones that were already dirty and he didn't feel like putting through the laundry. You'll be put to a good use, shitty blankets.

As it turns out, he forgot how big cows are, as well as how strong, especially when compared to him.

Currently, he can be found either:

- mounting the cow as she tries to shake him off, holding on to dear life by nothing but the blankets he's tried tying around her mouth;
- still holding on to those goddamn blankets, but this time he's tried stuffing them into the cow's mouth and now he's just being dragged across the ground;
- or tangled up on the stupid goddamn filthy blankets while the cow peacefully munches on some grass a few feet away.

In any case, all he can do is grunt and scream wordlessly.]


C. A way with words

[Hey, you know what's way easier and less painful than being trampled by a stinky cow? Writing euphemisms. Right now, Kaph is sitting on some stone steps in a livelier part of the village, letting himself be inspired by what he sees - he looks at a girl passing by, sees what comes to mind, and writes it down if it seems like Pure Gold, which, as far as he's concerned, is what all his words are.

"I'd stick my bread in her oven."
"I'd let her churn my butter."
"Her juice and my batter..."

... No, that one might be too much. Also, is he hungry or something?? Oh shit, nice tits at 12 o' clock.

"Let me have a taste of that good fruit, babe"

He makes a note on a different scrap of paper: "Look up local harvest goddess or whatever."

Whenever a man passes by, particularly an attractive one? He averts his eyes and focuses on what he's written, perhaps a bit too intently.]

Comments

B

[crimsonlight]

[As he is tangled in blankets and screaming, a pair of hands grabs one part and pulls. Yenh was thinking about that trick where you yank a tablecloth and the table's contents remain where they're meant to be, but it turns out that doesn't quite work when it comes to men tangled and hollering in the grass.]

[She tries to do a better job by pulling while running, and ends up half dragging him a few feet.]

[Her attempt to be all chivalrous and cool: failed.]

[ignisvulpes]

[Oh Jesus, what the fuck is going on, he can't see shit. Did he just get stuck on something? Tangled up in some other animal's feet? WHERE IS HE GOING?

As he loses momentum, he resumes his efforts to flail himself out of his prison, and while he still has no idea what his leg situation is like right now, he manages to free his head and an arm.

Oh hey, it's Yenh.

Oh GOD it's Yenh and she just saw him making a complete fucking fool out of himself.

He forces a grin, a bead of cold sweat rolling down his face as he points at her. His mouth tries to get out a "Heeey", but it's like someone took a remote and muted him.]

[crimsonlight]

[ Trying to recover from her own embarrassment that she couldn't be totally badass with these dirty bedsheets, she wiggles her fingers at him in hello. ]

[ She had glanced at his journal entry, but she presumes she's fine. No curse here, right?? ]

[ Yenh hikes her skirt up above her knee, and reaches up the rest of the way to free a knife from the top of her entirely too-tall thighboot. ]

I see that the cow took you captive. Worry not, they're tricky beasts, these cows. They have too many stomachs to be trusted.

[ignisvulpes]

[Whoa, now that is a nice sight. Kaph tries not to make his ogling too apparent, but he can't help himself from tracing the curve of Yenh's leg with his eyes.

... The knife is kind of hot too, in a weird way.

Anyway, he laughs somewhat dryly at her joke, but that's the only sound he can make. Hmm. Hmmm. This might get tricky.]

[crimsonlight]

[ Yenh notices him staring, and sighs before she can stop herself. Oh well. Crouching down beside him, she looks him over for the best place to make the cut. ]

Has the coeurl got your tongue? Or were you simply flattering me about my beauty? [ Not that she seems offended. And she isn't; mostly, she's just concerned with getting him loose. Digging her hand in between a bit of Kaph and the blanket, she tilts her head and looks him in the eye. ] Pray hold still. I don't want to cut you. Or myself.

[ignisvulpes]

[It now occurs to him that he should have been a bit more specific with his lie. He holds out his free hand to her, meaning to explain somehow - but then he holds still when the knife draws closer.

He has an idea, but he'll need to be free before putting it into practice. Kaph gives her the go-ahead with a nod.]

[crimsonlight]

[ She sets to work sawing through the fabric, occasionally pausing to pull and see if she can rip it. Yenh makes reasonably quick work of the coils, and soon it is bye-bye bedsheets... hello, a free kaph and a new set of rags, which Yenh is busy clearing away from said free Kaph. ]

And there you are! No longer mummified. Are you alright?

[ignisvulpes]

[Sweet, sweet freedom. Kaph's robes are torn here and there - that goddamn cow took him places - but otherwise, he seems to be fine. He gives Yenh a thumbs-up, grinning.

... Alright, time to see if this will work, then. He signals at her to come closer.]

[crimsonlight]

[ Blinking, she shifts closer to him. She doesn't know what he's doing or why, so she figures she may as well play along. ]

Hm? What is it?

[ignisvulpes]

[Oh, no, that's nowhere near close enough for this to work, and he's sure of it. Closer, he signals. Like, all the way in his fucking face.]

[crimsonlight]

[ Closer, closer... this is rapidly becoming Too Close. ]

Um...?

[ignisvulpes]

[Okay, that should do it. Now, what he's going to try to do is whisper the following in his smoothest, huskiest tone of voice - which, to be fair, is well-practiced, although he finds it's always slightly more effective a drink or two into the conversation:]

Sorry, Yenh. [And he goes to place a hand on her head, for good measure.] I didn't want to say too much about my curse out in the open, but...

[Shit, is this working? He can barely hear himself and if it's not working he will be filled with a renewed desire to punch the Mistress in the guts.]

[crimsonlight]

[ The sound is faint. Yenh has to strain her pretty-damn-good hearing to really hear him. His hand is... there. That's fine. He has to whisper, so it's fine. ]

... but?

[ignisvulpes]

[Wait, it's actually working? His eyes widen. Goddamn, he's got to celebrate later.

Or maybe even now.

OKAY FOCUS he's gotta be smooth.]

I can only talk when I'm being very, very...

[And now he lifts his own head so he can whisper right into her ear:]

Sssexy.

This tag sprang almost fully-formed into my head

[crimsonlight]

[There's a natural, physical response to that—a shivering down the spine that is simultaneously pleasant and extremely unnerving, especially as her fur brushes against his lips. Making no move to break away from him, she stage-whispers in reply.]

Is that why I can barely hear you?

[ignisvulpes]

[Was... Was that a burn? He can't tell if that was supposed to be a burn. She isn't moving away or anything?? Look, he's going to keep rolling with this.]

Would you like to hear me better?

[crimsonlight]

[ Oh good. Great. Well, this is what it is. If he just needs to be sexy... well, sexy is a state of mind. So she just has to get him in it and maybe they can have a normal conversation- ]

Alright. Remove your top.

[ignisvulpes]

[Nice. Kaph smirks before reaching behind his back.

His robes are simple and surprisingly modest, almost monk-like, but they have strings at the back that he can pull to let the top half down. He finds them, pulls on them, and the fabric around his neck loosens until he can comfortably slip it down his shoulders and beyond. Once it's all bunched up around his waist, he rests his head on his hands and tries to assess just how TOTALLY TURNED ON Yenh is.]

I've gotta say, it's a pleasure.

[His body is as slender as his clothing makes it look, but with his top off, it's also clear that there is some muscle definition to it. Soft fuzz adorns his chest and then fades on the way down, resurfacing again in a trail that continues down into the bottom half of his clothing.]

[crimsonlight]

[ With an approving nod, Yenh sits back on her heels. Though her eyes do wander, part of it is a mild curiosity about the body hair. Not that it is a surprise at this point, but it is still a novelty given that apparently no one has it in finalfantasyland. ]

Good. You're still quiet, but less so. [ She smiles sweetly at him. ] What have you tried for the cow thus far?

[ignisvulpes]

[Strange. She doesn't seem as seduced as she clearly ought to be. Ehh, call it a work in progress.]

I tried gagging the cow.

[... And that's about it.]

[crimsonlight]

[ There is a pause as Yenh waits for more details. None are forthcoming. Well, maybe? He's gotta have more than that. ]

It seems that didn't work. What will you try next?

[ignisvulpes]

I was going to... try harder...

[The sound of his voice is fading and it's not entirely clear whether that's due to the curse or his own painful awareness that he probably looks like an idiot right now.]

[crimsonlight]

[ Fortunately for Kaph, Yenh doesn't think he's a super idiot. Just in need of a little help and inspiration.]

Once, I tried to improve upon a chocobo's odor by spraying him with perfume. It worked about as well as your gag idea did.

The driver suggested I spray perfume on a cloth for the man whose nose was so offended by their smell, and that served to mask the smell.

[ignisvulpes]

[Well, isn't that cute. Yenh, that is, and not the idea. The idea is okay, he guesses. But it's endearing when a girl with a cute face and nice legs can get things done.]

Oh, I get what you're saying... [His voice stays at a mildly seductive whisper, in part because it's just about the only way he can be heard right now.] All we have to do is make our client and his neighbors go deaf.

[WINK.]

[crimsonlight]

[The one downside to her animal-ish features is that she looks very much like a startled cat when Kaph draws his conclusion.]

N- no, I meant, we should find a way to plug their ears.

... Temporarily.