kingdomcomes | [OPEN]

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[OPEN]

Who: Ford Pines and YOU
What: Trying to make an honest living selling porn, as one does
When: Now!
Where: The village market
Warnings: I mean things of a sexual nature obviously, and also talk of monsterfucking

Ford does not regret his decision not to sign up in service to the Mistress. Sure, it's made things a little more difficult, but it beats being under the thumb of a vindictive magical tyrant. Never again and all that. On the other hand it means money is harder to come by, and he's getting tired of paying for everything with blowjobs. Not that he's bad at blowjobs, but lockjaw is the worst fear of a man who likes to talk as much as Ford likes to talk.

To that end he's decided to make a little money the proper way, by making something with his own two hands and selling it. His skills and passions have always dovetailed in the creative, so he's made... a smut zine. Okay, grandpa, guess it's the seventies again. It's ten pages long and it's all porn (it's also certainly very fictional and not at all just a slightly-retooled account of one of the many times he's fucked a sentient but non-human being). It's written almost like a naturalist's account, complete with flowing cursive script and incredibly life-like illustrations, including a few full-page art pieces near the back detailing the biology of what for simplicity's sake one might describe as a harpy. In terms of percentages it is definitely about 80% avian. No hot human girls with wings stapled on here, no sir.

He has about thirty-two copies. It's a modest first run, but he had to duplicate them with a duplication charm he got off a magician (for a blowjob, of course) and so it had limited uses.

If you happen to walk up and investigate, he'll helpfully mention:

"If you like that, I also work on commission."

There is a stack of blank parchment next to him. He will straight up draw you porn if you pay him.

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"Hmm..."

This potential customer here seems to be examining the zine with great scrutiny. This... harpy lady? He can't say she's exactly his type, but for better or for worse, he's at the point where his boner is willing to broaden its horizons. The prose, if that's the right word for it, certainly intrigues him in places where simple cloacas fail to do so.

"You're pretty good, old man. Got any more examples of your work?"

Nice hair, kid.

Like, actually. Is that natural? That's some rad genetics you got there if so.

"Not many in this particular genre, yet." They key word here is of course 'yet'. "But since I arrived I have taken the liberty of beginning a new sketchbook which you are of course welcome to look through."

The moment he realized the book he was given upon arrival would be ill-suited to use as a journal or sketchbook he took the liberty of procuring a less-enchanted one instead. He pulls this out from under the table and passes it over. Of course considering much of the pictures drawn are of the locals and adjacent flora and fauna, there's plenty of ass even if it wasn't intended as pornography. It's almost all pictures with the occasional notation, too: if this was also his log he absolutely would not have handed it over for Kaph to peruse.

A lot of that ass is man ass, fair warning.

Kaphlar feels like he really could have used that warning. The way he looks through the book can be best described as "erratic" - he lingers appreciatively on feminine curves, and then he lingers on the man ass too until he realises he's staring and thus turns up his nose and flips a few pages over. Rinse and repeat.

Somehow, he thinks this is a better look than the horrible act of looking at man ass for too long.

"You really don't have to put that much detail into the guys."

Oh, boy.

Now, Ford Pines has been around the block more times than he's kept count of. He is, shall we say, secure in his sexuality. He doesn't flaunt it the way most people in this reality do, but that's mainly because when most of your life is taken up by research and/or a quest for revenge it just doesn't come up much. The point is he can definitely tell when someone is insecure. Oh, Kaph, you sweet summer child.

"Oh? I thought some of those sketches were pretty good."

"No, that's not... I mean, that is the problem, in a way?? Why pay this much attention to a dude's ass? What's your target audience here?"

Kaphlar Kinra may have plenty of experience in bed, but he is also a connoisseur of porn. Unfortunately, that would be porn mainly aimed at heterosexual guys. Sometimes they don't even have faces, come on.

"Well," he says, eyebrows rising just a little under the fluffy line of his bangs, "given that that's my personal sketchbook I think it should be obvious that the 'target audience' is myself."

One of the great things about missing everything from 1982 to 2012 is that Ford missed a lot of the modern trends in pornography. No full length feature films anymore? Absurd.

Kaphlar opens his mouth and stares at the old man while he tries to come up with a good way to gloss over the fact that he just said something pretty stupid.

"Oh, so you're gay."

There. Glossed over. Also, kind of... an own? Maybe? He doesn't know if the guy's going to take offense or not. Doesn't make that much of a difference to him, anyway.

"No."

He could elaborate but honestly this is kind of funny.

"Getting warmer, though."

The good news is that he hasn't taken offense, not at all. The bad news is that he's doing that Ford Pines thing where he's difficult for no good reason except that he likes being difficult.

"... Only a little gay?"

There may be even worse news: Kaphlar Kinra also likes to dabble in being difficult.

"My, my," Aymeric couldn't help but pick up a leaflet, thumbing through it slowly. He looked to his left and right quickly, ensuring that no one he knew could see him.

"I haven't seen 'literature' like this since I was a lad in the barracks," he pulls his lip into his mouth, trying to play it cool. This was hardy the first drawn titty he'd seen, but boy. Still. Pornography was not exactly common for him.

Aymeric's eyes flick between him and the stack of parchment. He's a bit too shy to ask right off the bat about how he would go about asking for some elf porn, so he'll continue to look through the orthino-pornography. Pornthinography, if you will.

"Whilst I have no real attraction to monster women..." starts the man who routinely fucks a dragon-man, "Your artistry is really quite good."

Edited 2017-10-19 03:55 (UTC)

Aymeric is in some ways very lucky, because discarded ideas for a first issue definitely also included a straight-up dragon. Or rather, a reptilian alien that most people in this reality would parse as a dragon. It amounts to the same thing.

"Thank you."

He can't help but feel as though living here and having no attraction to monster women -- or monster men, or monsters in general he has to assume -- is something of a waste. That's such a huge portion of the fuckable population here.

"I'm perfectly capable of drawing human women, but it wouldn't have worked as well within the conceit of a scientific report... though actually that wouldn't make a bad joke."

It's funny because he's fucked aliens of all genders before but he has next to no experience with human women.

"Perhaps I am less attuned to your culture, but I come from somewhere where we like a bit more romance in our 'artistic depictions'. Perhaps for a younger man, the mere sight of a woman, feathered or not, is enough for him."

He pauses for a beat.

"Unless this is a specific... fetish," he nearly cringes on the word. He's been trying to adapt to this place's linguistics and not quite keeping up with it.

Aymeric is making himself blush. He's not sure why he's standing here trying to act like an art critic. He looks over the book and a light seems to go off in his head. "On second thought... Let me purchase this."

Edited 2017-10-19 21:38 (UTC)

"You wouldn't call this romantic?"

Excuse you, she's gorgeous. Just also mostly avian. The two don't have to be mutually exclusive, Aymeric, jeez.

"But you're welcome to buy it either way. If I make enough money for another issue that one may be more to your taste. I am, of course, open to any critique."

That's not... strictly true. Ford Pines isn't super great at taking criticism, but he is working on at least trying to let people say it in his direction without turning into a giant sulky baby about it. Small steps, you know.

"Nay. Romance is born of subtlety, yearning, and the chase! This seems to start with the- ah..." He flips to the first page, staring down at it for a second.

"If you would explain what is happening here, exactly?"

He moves in pretty close, shielding oncoming foot-traffic from what he's looking at here.

"'Tis no real fault of your own. What romance could be conveyed in a mere ten pages?"

Ford obligingly leans over to check out the page Aymeric is indicating. He even adjusts his glasses a little.

"I believe it's a mating display. Many species have them in some form or another."

This is all a much more poetic understanding of romance than he's really into, possibly because he was never one for poetry and possibly because the whole subtlety thing was never an option for him. Yearning and the chase, sure, but that just got punch all down the front of his tux at prom. Being direct is easier for him and he's found it gets much better results.

"It is supposed to be a field notebook, you understand, so aside from the dated entries showing the progress of the relationship and proximity between subject and researcher there wasn't room for the, ah... traditional romance you mention."

Which is the most diplomatic way he can say 'that shit's boring as hell and minimizing it was a conscious choice'.

"Ah, I had passed over the dates. My mistake," Aymeric pauses on the image for a moment. He stares into it, then looks up at Ford. "Still, to boil romance down to these points..." He tsks a couple times. The boring stuff was what got him riled! Come on, now! For all his criticisms, it hasn't stopped him from looking at it.

He catches himself staring overlong at a birdwoman titty, and closes the zine. He looks to the side as something dawns on him. He slowly turns his head to look directly at Ford.

"Is this a fictional account?" he asks in a way that suggests that he's already convinced that it is not.

Ford doesn't even have the good manners to look ashamed of himself.

"Mostly."

"Mostly... Have you had encounters of this sort with beastmen?"

He tucks the dubiously autobiographical account away.

"You said there would be more of these. Do you have plans for the content of it yet?"

Aymeric would be unnerved by the shamelessness if it weren't so commonplace here.

When in Rome and all. Ford doesn't always subscribe to that philosophy, but he certainly does when he finds himself in a universe he actually doesn't mind spending an extended period of time in.

"Well, considering the first features an avian, I feel as though I should have at least a mammal and a reptile represented as well." That seems fairest to him, even though there's plenty of beings that doesn't fall under any of those three umbrellas that he'd like to spend time drawing lewds of.

"And to answer your question, yes. I have. They do say 'write what you know'. If I'm going to be producing pornography I may as well enjoy making it."

Ford's comment breaks Yenh from her reverie, engrossed in looking at the harpy's particulars. Her head snaps up, and her expression is one of mixed humor and uncertainty.

"Oh, no, I couldn't possibly afford something as exquisite as that. But this?" Yenh holds the zine up with both hands and wiggles it. "How much for this?"

They are pretty particular particulars. He smoothed some things over for general consumption by a wider porn-reading audience (namely, he increased the breast size to 'there at all'), but he refused to compromise his integrity as an artist and a xenobiologist by drawing a bird with a human vagina.

"I'm not asking for much for the first run. Have to build up a readership, you know." He names a reasonable price, probably even a little low, but he can get by without too much. Lord knows he's had to before. This is less about making a ton of money and more about having just enough to give his jaw a break. If it winds up also making him a ton of money down the line then that'd be swell.

"But if this one sells well enough I have plans for several more."

Without even a moment's hesitation, Yenh reaches into her coinpurse and fishes out the amount, forking it over to Ford even as she starts tucking it into her tunic with the other hand. It's no good if someone she knows happens to see the Warrior of Light buying beastman pornography. It is apparently fine if the same said woman comes off as an awkward multitasker.

"You must know you can't tease that and not share! What have you in mind for future editions?"

"Well, I feel it makes the most sense to hit as many different species as possible. This edition was an avian, so I'll have to plan for at least a mammal and a reptile as well. This world has such a wide variety of native beings that it only makes sense to mirror that variety in my work."

He has to compete with real sexy monsters here, so he's got to be on top of his game. People can wander into the forest and find real sexy harpies, so if he's going to get them reading his little self-published book about sexy harpies instead of doing that, the harpies have got to be really high-quality.

Luckily he is Ford Pines and therefore perfectly confident in his artistic abilities.

Yenh nods along, settling her clothing back to proper now that she has secured her contraband. "Very good! I look forward to seeing more of your work, then."

And while this would be a natural place to end the transaction, Yenh pauses as she weighs 'do' vs 'do not' and leans slightly forward with the weight of her decision. Her voice drops to a more hushed tone. "Are you writing wholly from the imagination?"

Oh boy. Isn't that the million-dollar question. He leans in a little as well. His tone is low and conspiratorial. This isn't something he actually cares about keeping hush-hush, especially not in this of all worlds where people seem to be down to fuck just about anything up to and including abstract concepts, but she seems like she wants this conversation to be more private and he is trying this new thing where he attempts to be sensitive to other people's comfort.

"Not entirely, no. There are things I've embellished and things I've altered to appeal to a wider audience, but you would be surprised how common it is to find worlds where avian beings are the dominant species."

Yenh's mouth shapes into a very clear and obvious 'oh' even as no sound actually comes out to back it up. She stands back up straighter, deciding to perhaps take the more wholesome approach to this conversation. After all, even though it would be well-received in this case, Yenh is not in the habit of asking strangers if they've done the frickeroonie with a beastman.

"You've been to many worlds, then? Though I know of other stars, I've never been beyond mine own. 'Til being brought here, anyroad."

Sweet Moses, she talks like one of his DD&MD ocs and it is the best thing that's happened to him all day. In all fairness half the people who live in this village sound like they stepped out of a Lord of the Rings LARP, but like... 'mine own'. God. That's so good.

"Oh yes. Before I came here I spent thirty years traveling between dimensions. I would estimate the number of worlds I've passed through in the hundreds, if not the thousands."

Eat it up, Ford, there's more where that came from.

Her eyes widen, and then she laughs and shakes her head. "Pray excuse me- so many in but 30 years of life? That's..." She pauses and does some math on her fingers. "At least two or three dimensions per moon!"

Her voice is playfully accusatory. "Are you having a bit of fun with me?"

[Remus has greatly appreciated being fully human again; not that it wasn't something of a trip to walk around on his little sheep hooves, but he kept getting his horns stuck on furniture and it generally wasn't a good time. Being human again means he's not stumbling about on sheep legs or getting too warm in the middle of the night or bleating at inappropriate times. It also means he can go out into the market again without getting a concerning amount of propositions.

He grins at the sight of a familiar face behind one of the stalls, and saunters up feeling only a tiny bit self-conscious about the fact that he has interacted with this man's genitals while they were both half-animal. Remus thumbs through one of the copies of Ford's zine.]

Never seen one quite so colorful before. You seem to know a great deal about, ah.

[How does one say 'monster porn' without sounding rude?

Nope, okay.]

Monster porn.

[It's odd seeing Remus without the horns and wool, but he's immediately recognizable all the same. Far from rude, the comment makes him grin. It's relevant to the two of them more than most of the people who've stopped by to remark on his dedication to drawing accurate mostly-bird women.]

I have a lot of experience, both theoretical and practical. In fact, one of my PhDs is in xenobiology. There was certainly a conscious choice behind framing it as a field notebook.

[Remus returns that grin, and forces himself to meet Ford's eyes squarely, and not act like a chickenshit just because they happened to have sucked each other off. Be a man, Remus.]

Xenobiology? Goodness. I'd like to know what university offers a degree in that.

[He might even consider going to a Muggle uni if it meant studying something so clearly right up his alley.]

I like it. It's clever. Unexpected.

Academion Ten.

[Was that a rhetorical question, Remus? Not anymore it isn't.]

Academions one through nine are fine as well, but the lower numbers are the lower grades and so not of much use. It isn't until Academion Eight that you start hitting graduate schools.

[Alright, now that he's shown off by providing a ton of unnecessary information, Remus already paid him a compliment and he has to address that too.]

Unexpected was the idea, yes! I wanted something unlike anything else being sold. There's stiff competition here when it comes to pornography.

...Right. And I assume that was...some other country. Universe?

[Ford Pines is a mystery to Remus, in that he seems like he's been everywhere all at once, and he always feels a step behind trying to figure out what the hell he's talking about.]

...Pun intended, or...?

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[OPEN]

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... very casual homophobia??? idek

what a shitty boy

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i should be sorry but i'm Not

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slams in here a full week later

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